Nov 10th is a day i will never forget.
The day i gave birth to our daughter DIVYA at 21 weeks pregnant. Hearing the doctor tell us in low voice ‘There is no chance baby can survive’, will forever be engraved in my mind.
You never really think what a mother goes through when they have a stillbirth, except that they lost a child. Giving birth to our daughter when i knew she would never take a breathe was the scariest thing i have ever had to do. I laboured for 6 hours feeling each contraction, listening to other babies being born down the hall. I held our baby who was lifeless, trying to make sense of why this happened. She looked so perfect. Walking out of that hospital empty handed is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. There are no words to describe the pain i felt leaving without my baby. I am still recovering from the birth, exactly like other new mums (bleeding, postpartum hives, body aches) but with no baby to hold.
People keep telling me i am strong but there is not really a choice when facing this kind of grief. I’ve also been told that we’ll have more kids, we are young, we have time. This is supposed to be a comfort to me. But I don’t grieve the loss of just any child. I grieve the loss of our fist child, our daughter. I grieve her tiny little body with eyes i never got to see the colour. I grieve the loss of her smile, whether she had dimples and what she would have looked like when she smiled at me. I grieve that i never got to hold her and feel her breath on my chest. I grieve the loss of our family, that we will never see her sitting at the dining table or playing with other kids. If we ever have any other kids, I grieve the older sister that they will never play with. My husband has been my rock through this difficult time. I am incredibly lucky to have him by my side. I know he hurts just like i do, he lost a daughter, but he’s been strong. We miss her so much, she will never be forgotten or replaced. I may have only held her in my arms for a moment but i will hold her in my heart forever. Stillbirth changes a person, i will never be the same. I never thought this could happen to us, but it did. We are choosing to get out of this situation with grateful hearts, because we have so much to be thankful for. We know God is in control. When things don’t make sense to us, we know he has a reason for everything.
Welcome to Share. I am so sorry to read about the loss of your baby girl Divya. I'm an angel mom too and heard those same fateful words of no heartbeat. I was 29 years old then and I still thought that was young. I'm sorry for all of the hurtful comments. People say all sorts of things in their attempt to help. I know how raw you might be feeling, the emptiness, and the sleepless nights. She will forever be your daughter and nothing can ever change that. For me, I hold onto the 30 weeks that I carried our son. Continue to lean on your husband for support and keep talking about her with one another. I wish you strength and peace as you continue on this journey through grief together. Know that you're never alone and many are thinking about you.
Welcome to Share. I am so sorry to for the loss of your sweet Divya. I'm so glad your husband has been your rock through this difficult time. I lost my sweet girl a little over 12 years ago and I still miss her like crazy. Please know you are not alone that many if us here have walked a similar path. So much live and hugs to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I tried for 2 years to get pregnant and when I finally did in March 2018 (turned 30) I was the happiest person alive. I had some bleeding in my 8th and 9th week which scared me, but after that things were supposedly going smooth. When I turned 20 weeks apparently my cervix opened up early, but I didn't have an appt until almost my 21st week where we were also going to find out the gender of our baby. I had some pain (which was apparently contractions and I didn't know) the day before I went into labor and some discharge (which was my water breaking and I also didn't know). I went to sleep that night with no pain or anything. Woke up the next morning (June 28, 2018) and went straight to the hospital because I was in so much pain. The heartbeat for my little baby was there, but my water had already broke, and I had to give birth. I developed a bacterial infection that could've get into my blood stream, if I didn't have the baby fast enough. I had a little boy </3. My husband already had a daughter and I always told him that day we get pregnant I was going to give him his son. I completely understand your pain when the doctors told you "there is no way this baby can survive" we spoke to several doctors, ask the same questions, hoping we can get a different answer. It was the worst pain of my life watching the nurses take our son knowing we will never see him again. My husband was also my rock during the whole situation and I will always be grateful to him for that. Thanksgiving day I found out I was pregnant again which made me so happy especially for the holidays. Went in for my 7 weeks check up to see if we can see the heartbeat and I miscarried sometime between my 5th and 7th week. I had no cramping and no bleeding UNTIL I went to the doctor. So the holidays were rough for me again. All I can say is cry all you want, vent all you want, write letters to your baby, and speak to her every day. God will bless us again which is not something we want to hear, but it's something we have to believe in in order to be strong. May 2019 be a better for you and all mothers who weren't able to bring their babies home <3
Welcome to Share. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious daughter. I, too, am an angel mom ... to twin boys who were born and passed prematurely at 22w5d in March 2007.
This is a journey that no parent should ever have to take. And, it's one, unfortunately, where people who think they are well meaning in what they say should just go away. I'm sorry that you are having to live through their misguided attempts to be helpful. I, too, experienced many hurtful comments ... and still do sometimes, nearly 12 years later.
Your daughter will always be your daughter. Some day, when the pain has lessened, you will be able to smile when you think of her and talk about her. But for now, take the moment by the moment, and breathe. Grieve how you need to. Don't be afraid to tell people what you need -- even if that means telling them to go away. Lean on your husband. When you are ready, perhaps you can find a counselor or support group who can help you through your journey, as I did.
Sending many hugs to you.
Welcome to Share. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. What you say is exactly correct, no matter what happens, you will always grieve for her and you will always miss what could have been. I lost my first daughter to Trisomy 18, and there is rarely a moment that takes place in my second daughter's life that I do not wonder what it would be like to have two of them, what it would be like to see them playing, to know what its like to mother two daughters.
Sending you so much peace and strength as you continue on this journey.
Love and Hugs
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