Nov 10th is a day i will never forget.
The day i gave birth to our daughter DIVYA at 21 weeks pregnant. Hearing the doctor tell us in low voice ‘There is no chance baby can survive’, will forever be engraved in my mind.
You never really think what a mother goes through when they have a stillbirth, except that they lost a child. Giving birth to our daughter when i knew she would never take a breathe was the scariest thing i have ever had to do. I laboured for 6 hours feeling each contraction, listening to other babies being born down the hall. I held our baby who was lifeless, trying to make sense of why this happened. She looked so perfect. Walking out of that hospital empty handed is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. There are no words to describe the pain i felt leaving without my baby. I am still recovering from the birth, exactly like other new mums (bleeding, postpartum hives, body aches) but with no baby to hold.
People keep telling me i am strong but there is not really a choice when facing this kind of grief. I’ve also been told that we’ll have more kids, we are young, we have time. This is supposed to be a comfort to me. But I don’t grieve the loss of just any child. I grieve the loss of our fist child, our daughter. I grieve her tiny little body with eyes i never got to see the colour. I grieve the loss of her smile, whether she had dimples and what she would have looked like when she smiled at me. I grieve that i never got to hold her and feel her breath on my chest. I grieve the loss of our family, that we will never see her sitting at the dining table or playing with other kids. If we ever have any other kids, I grieve the older sister that they will never play with. My husband has been my rock through this difficult time. I am incredibly lucky to have him by my side. I know he hurts just like i do, he lost a daughter, but he’s been strong. We miss her so much, she will never be forgotten or replaced. I may have only held her in my arms for a moment but i will hold her in my heart forever. Stillbirth changes a person, i will never be the same. I never thought this could happen to us, but it did. We are choosing to get out of this situation with grateful hearts, because we have so much to be thankful for. We know God is in control. When things don’t make sense to us, we know he has a reason for everything.
It has been 5 years since my son was stillborn at 34 weeks. I still cry. I get told I am strong. Some days I feel strong, other days I feel like I am falling apart. Keep your head up lady. I have been up the last two nights because my mind won't stop spinning. Let me know if you ever need a listening ear.
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