While they were getting Boone stable they wheeled me back to the recovery room. My parents came back to sit with me and my husband (Ryan). The room was so intensely quiet. I was so sad that I couldn't keep our baby in longer to give him the best chance at life. I was so numb to anything around me, I was in a state of shock. I prayed that the doctors would be able to save our son, and stabilize him.
A nurse came in and told us that they had stabilized our boy and my husband could go see him. The nurse handed me a certificate with his footprints and told me he weighed 1 pound 8 oz. and was 12.5 inches long. I asked Ryan to take pictures so that I could see what he looks like. I waited... when Ryan came back to the room he was crying. I thought the worst, and asked him the dreaded question, "is he alive, is he okay?" Ryan said yes he was stable, but he was so tiny. He showed me the pictures of our son and I just cried seeing him.
About two hours later I was allowed to be wheeled up to the NICU to finally meet my baby. I was so nervous but anxious to see him. Ryan was with me as they rolled me into the room. The lights were dimmed, the incubator took up a quarter of the room, while his ocillator/oxygen machine took up the other half of the room. The humming and vibration of the breathing machine was noisy but its what was helping him breathe. They rolled me up next to his incubator and lowered it down to my level and finally I saw him. The nurses allowed me to touch him. I was reluctant because I had an infection and still had a fever, but the nurses assured me that it was nothing I could pass to him. I placed my hand around the top of his head. And I just stared. He was so beautiful. I was so happy he was alive but it felt so wrong because he wasn't supposed to be here until March. He looked so so tiny among the wires and tubes in his incubator. I felt helpless. I just wanted to put him back in me, it was too early for him to be born.
The doctors came and talked to us and told us the next few hours would give us an indication of how he would do the next day or two. Again, we prayed. I prayed for his health and that God would comfort him since I couldn't. The doctors of course explained that any 23 weeker is at risk for blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy, and other developmental issues. But there would be no way to know what he would be like until he got older and started hitting his milestones. Of course I was worried about all of these things, but I just wanted my son to live I would worry about all of these other things later.
I brought my parents into the room later that day to meet their first grandchild. Unfortunately, they know how all of this feels all too well. They lost twins at 26 weeks before they had me and my brother. So seeing me and my baby go through this brought back a lot of bad memories. Honestly, I don't have too much of a memory of them seeing him for the first time. Those days are a blur which is why I am trying to write all this down now.
Our first day in the NICU was winding down. I tried to rest and the nurses said they would call us if his status changed. In the meantime, we were trying to decide on our baby's name. We thought we had 17 more weeks to figure it out!
Those first few moments are often a blur for everyone, particularly when the birth and your health are at risk. So glad you are telling us your story and I hope it is helping your journey as well.
Love and Hugs
We help moms have full-term pregnancies and healthy babies. And if something goes wrong, we offer information and comfort to families. We research the problems that threaten our babies and work on preventing them.
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