Since I gave birth I have really struggled with the big question... WHY? Why did this happen to me?
Of course I do not wish an infant loss on anybody. But I am filled with jealousy. why couldn't I carry my son to a healthy age? Why couldn't he have been born at 28 weeks instead of 23 weeks to give him a better chance? Why do all my friends have healthy pregnancies and not me? Why is my son not here when I should still be pregnant with him?
Social media is a great outlet. But I have about a half a dozen friends who are pregnant and all due between now and April. I am really struggling seeing their pictures of their big bellies and announcing happily that they made it to the third trimester or are 39 weeks and "come on baby!" Of course all but one of them is having a boy. One friend in particular just had her son the other day and name him Wyatt, which was the other name we had picked out for our son. We wanted to wait to choose his name until we saw him so we knew if he fit his name. Why didn't we get the chance to see his beautiful face without tubes and tape attached? Why didn't I get to hold him when he was born and gaze at him with happy tears that he had arrived?
I'll never have these answers. But wondering what helps you all when you have these thoughts? What gets you through it?
HUGS! I think many of us who walk the journey of Infant loss ask ourselves this question a million time over. We will question every thing we did wondering if we could have done something different to change the outcome. I call this mommy guilt and its one of the hardest parts of loss to me. The jealousy of those who get the perfect ended when we didn't is normal. I have no clue why my daughter was taken to soon. I do know that because of her I am different, I see things different. I found SHARE shortly after I lost her 12 years ago and the love comfort and support I received here was like nothing I had experienced in my life. Share became my safe place. I could say exactly how I felt with no judgement. I don't think I will ever know why this happened to me, to you, to any of us, but I do know that I am able to reach a hand of support to others who will follow in the journey just as I received in those early days. Know that you are not alone in this journey. We are here for you as you navigate this very hard road.
So much love
Honestly, in the early days of losing Josie, not much of anything could help me. I had good friends, but after the funeral, its over for everyone else. I tried so desperately to just be "me" again. Sometimes I went out, most of the time I stayed in my room with a bottle of wine. If I could go back, I would tell myself to take it a moment at a time and not have so many expectations. I would say its okay to be angry, its okay to be sad and hurt and over whelmed. I wish I had found Share then, so I would have known that I was normal. Now, it helps me to know the impact her tiny life had on me and on everyone that I have connected with because of her. Sending you so much love.
First... very big hugs to you. The question of "Why?" haunts me too... even, though I'm not a loss Mom. I think it is a question many of ask who have found themselves in the NICU. My twins were born at 25 weeks in 2001. Today both of them have ongoing issues... Hanna has medical complications. Rachel, has a laundry list of neurological/mental health complications. I know if they had been full term we likely wouldn't face these complications. I don't ask why as often as I once did, but I do still ask... especially when we face a new hurdle for one or both of them. I actually said out loud in my car, while driving alone yesterday... "why is this my life" after a particularly hard day with Rachel.
I adopted a saying when we were in the NICU... "I can't change what is... I just have to do it". Sometimes it's much easier to "just do it" than others but we just find our way through it.
Know that what you're feeling is okay... and just like many other Moms who have been through what you're going through. And most importantly know that you're not alone in this journey. We are all here to support you in any way we can. Maybe in writing Boone's story, and your story you are getting through it.
Hugs and love,
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