I am a mother. I am a Christian. I am not just any mother. I am a mother still. A mother who has one child you cannot see. My second child was stillborn. Born into the arms of the angels as some might say. Yes, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Yes, I believe that it was in God’s plan, in His will, for my son to be in His arms and not mine. Does that mean that every day, I am OK with that? No. As a matter of fact, more days than not, I am NOT OK with being without my son.
Every day, every single day, I battle with my thoughts and feelings. Is that OK? Is it OK to not be OK? Why wouldn’t it be? I want to believe, every day, that God had a reason. I just wish I knew what that reason was. Why my child? Why me? Why was I chosen to not be able to watch my son grow up? I want to be angry. I want to be hurt. I want to be sad. I want to scream and make these feelings go away.
But I can’t be that either. I can’t let those feelings show. I have other little people who depend on me. I have children who need their mommy to be strong, resilient, and unbreakable. But, I am not. I am weak, fragile, and broken. I am broken in a way that no one sees. I choose to cry when I am alone so that no one sees. Some days I wish that I could show the world what is in my heart and on my mind. Other days I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that the world doesn’t exist. Most days it is too painful to open up and let the world see me.
What if someone needs to see? What if someone else is going through these same motions? What if this is my reason for being me? Could it be that I am to help someone else along their journey? Could it be that I am stronger than I think?
So many hugs to you! So much of what you wrote is some of the exact feelings and I thought after losing my sweet girl. It's been 12 years since we said goodbye to our girl and not a day goes by I dont think of her. Yes! You are stronger than you think. And you are not alone in this journey!
Hug and Love,
Hugs to you. So sorry for your loss. These are the same exact feelings I feel after loosing my daughter almost 1 year ago.
To Baby Shaniya,
Thank you for your sweet words. I feel like most parents go through these emotions and feelings and just aren't sure how to put them into words. My hope is to help make a voice for them.
I am so sorry to hear about your angel girl. It is a difficult journey to be on. The hardest part is that it is something that you never truly feel like you get closure on. It's not something you can just "move on" from.
Thank you for your beautiful words, Mommy2angel. Yes, you are stronger than you think! And sharing these thoughts will help other parents and loved ones become stronger and know that they are not alone. One step at a time, one day at a time. Sending you and your family all the love in the world! <3
I feel exactly the same way...but my boy died the night of his first birthday in his crib
#neveralone is something I have started adding to anything I share or write when it comes to our son. I am hoping that through this journey that I am now on, that I can help someone else along theirs. Much love!!
I am so sorry to hear about your angel baby. I know that our situations are different, but, if you ever need a listening ear, I am here. email@example.com
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