For the first time in a long time, I'm not looking forward to anything.
I feel like I've spent most of my adult life working toward dates or milestones on the horizon. Counting down the days until…whatever.
Graduation. Work. Getting married. Getting pregnant. Buying a house. Having the baby.
Now I can't see anything on the horizon past the next few days.
It's hard enough to get through each day and the constant waves of emotions and reminders…reminders that are more like punches to the gut.
Also, I can't stop thinking about what I should be doing now. What I would be doing if Fiona were here. She'd be 10 weeks. She'd be starting to smile and recognize us. What would she be like?
I feel like I'm just passing time until we want to get pregnant again. I was prepared for Fiona…what else is there to do?
At the same time, I try not to think about the next pregnancy. I feel bad thinking of another baby when I miss my girl so much. It doesn't feel fair to either of them. I just want to fast forward to the point I have a happy baby in my arms.
But for now, I'm on a shitty hamster wheel. Going through the motions, but not getting anywhere. Stuck in limbo with no end in sight.
As an obsessive planner, I completely relate to what you're saying. After I lost Josie I had no idea what to do with myself and it made my anxiety that much worse. Even though it doesn't feel like it, its actually good to take the days as they come, down to one hour, one minute or one breath at a time if you have to. I hope that you can find some peace as the days continue to go by.
Love and Hugs
Thanks so much, Brandi.
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