My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for eight long years. We had three failed IUI's and five failed IVF's. We found out I had low ovarian reserve meaning it will be hard for me to concieve without a donor egg help. I had accepted that. In total, we had four different donor eggs we had chosen. We endured two miscarriages...first one was at 8 weeks and second was at 10 weeks. We even traveled to Cancun and Thailand for help thinking it will be much cheaper since our insurance can't cover us anymore. No matter how hard the road was we never gave up.
After searching and searching the web, New Hope Fertility in NY came up. We met up with Dr. Zhang who gave us hope. We chose our donor and didn't work. We chose another one and finally we had success. I was pregnant by September 2017.
All throughout my pregnancy, I was careful and always checking the web if that's safe to eat or drink and what not to do and can do. I listen to doctors all the time. I was considered high risk so I was seeing a high risk doctor. He checked me in every possible scenerio and all came back great. Nothing was wrong. Baby was healthy since we had my daughter genetically tested. Everything was doing good till Monday, January 29, 2018. She stopped moving. I thought she was sleeping since alot of people say babies do sleep alot. I waited till late evening cause she's usually moving alot by then....nothing. I even drank orange juice and chocolates and nothing. I started to panic. I didn't tell my husband till I was actually sure. Next day, Tuesday, January 30, I called my doctor's office. They told me to go straight to Labor and Delivery. My husband was waiting. They took me to a small room and proceed with an ultrasound. Our worst nightmare, our daughter had no heartbeat. Second and third doctor came to confirm as well.
My doctor for OBG came and gave me a hug but we could not undertand why. I know I started to blame cause I thought I had done something. My doctor said since my daughter was small at 26 weeks, I can handle normal labor. My husband had to call my parents and tell them the bad news. My parents is form Canada so it will take them eight hours to reach us. I had my room and waited for my mom to arrive. They moved us to a bigger room so we are more comfortable. I must say Hackensack Medical Hospital nurses at Labor and Delivery were so compassionate and they took care of us.
I started my medication to start my comtraction. My doctor up my medication so it was more intense. I asked for epidural. Finally, January 31st, 2018 at 9:26PM, my sweet Brianna was born. In my mind she was alive coming out, but I was wrong. Reality started settling in again and the hurt. As the nurse took her away, our hearts just broke to pieces. We had the opportunity to hold her. They cleaned her up, dressed her up with a beautiful dress with a cute hat. As I held her, I kissed her cheeks, touched her hands and feet. I told my husband she's a mini version of him cause her legs and feet were long. She was perfect, she was beautiful and she was ours. My husband carried her too and my mom. She was sleeping so peacefully. I requested for a priest to baptist our daughter. I want her soul to be at peace and not stuck in limbo. We took pictures of her.
The nurse came in after the baptism and asked if we need more time. I had to sing to her one more time "twinkle twinkle little star". I whispered to her that I was sorry and to forgive me for whatever I may have done wrong. I did ask her to wake up but nothing. My husband said it is better to leave us with memory of her in her condition rather than having her longer and seeing her looking different. The nurse was about to take her but I told her my husband will. I kiss her cheeks one last time and told her its not a good bye. I told her we will see her again.
We signed for autopsy and autopsy of my placenta and cord to determine the cause. They say it will take weeks till the results comes in. I think knwing the cause will help us get through the pain and will help us knowing what can be done when we try again.
Hours later, I was transfered to a different floor for recovery. I wanted to see her again but my husband said its not a good idea. The nurse gave me her clothes and footprint. It was a great surprise cause it was so important to us. Leaving the hospital was hard. My heart broke seeing mothers leaving the hospital with their babies while I was leaving with a bag of my daughter's clothes, footprint and her teddy bear. Its unfair.
Next day, my husband and my mom came with us to the funeral home to discuss of cremating our daughter. The director told us she will carry the burden for us. The director called my husband and told him she had picked up our daughter and on her way to the funeral home. It was a bit of a relief knowing she was with her and she will be safe.
I want her back but I know that's impossible. We miss her and love her so much. The pain is too much to handle.
We finally chose the urn that will carry our daughter and I picked out a pendant that will carry a bit of her so she will be with us everywhere we go. We will have a memorial service for her with families and close friends. I just want her home soon. This is where she belongs. It will be give me comfort knowing she's safe.
Welcome to Share. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Brianna. My heart just breaks for you as you had been waiting such a long while for your baby and to meet your daughter. I heard those same fateful words of no heartbeat with our son who was born sleeping at 30 weeks. We are slowly approaching year nine and well, it just takes time and tears. No new parent should have to be making those kinds of decisions for their baby. I am so sorry that you guys had to as well. I hope that the results will bring a little peace. It is definitely something that we wish we had done. It was all so rushed and it is a huge regret. I hope that you get the call soon to pick her up. It will be the best box that anyone has ever handed you and she'll be home.
Sending you so many hugs,
Welcome to Share. I am so very very sorry you find yourself here. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I lost my daughter 11 years ago, and the worst part was watching her get taken away by the funeral director. I spent the whole night forgetting she was really gone and waking up in a panic that I had lost her. I hope it is comforting that you will get to keep her at home with an urn and with a pendant to be with you always. Its not the way it should be at all. Sending you so much peace and strength.
Love and Hugs
Hi and welcome to Share. I'm so sorry for your loss. What you've gone through must be one of the most heartbreaking and traumatic experiences anyone can endure, to lose your precious Brianna -- such a beautiful name -- after so many years of trying for a baby. I hope the autopsy, the memorial service, and bringing the urn home will help to give you some comfort and peace of mind. Whatever the autopsy results, please know this: You did nothing wrong. So many of us moms can't help blaming ourselves when something like this goes wrong -- but you are not to blame. You did everything a mother can do to keep her baby safe. So much about pregnancy is outside of our control, and nothing that happened is your fault.
I'll be thinking of you and sending you and your family hugs and good wishes.
Hi, Welcome to Share. I am so sorry for your loss. No mom should have to go to a funeral home and plan a funeral for their baby. It sounds like you had some very compassionate people both at the hospital and the funeral home to help you. Many hugs. Nicki
Welcome to Share. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Brianna. I wish I could take your pain away. I still remember those feeling from the early days and weeks after we said goodbye to our daughter. HUGS! Please know you are not alone. Many of us here have walked a similar journey. Sending you so many hugs and a whole lot of love.
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