Yesterday I found out that the baby girl I was carrying inside me did not have a heartbeat. She actually hadn't had one for a few weeks which breaks my heart knowing I was walking around happy and planning this future i had. I had literally just picked out a name. I was 17 or 18 weeks but she had only grown to about 14 or 15 weeks. My heart is in pieces and I don't know how long it will take to emotionally recover from this. I have to have a d and c today and wa a nervous at first but feeling brave like I have to do this for her in a weird way so we can both have peace. In 32 and have always been career driven and did not know if babies were in my cards or not. In fact I wasn't even trying. It well just happened. I though I was late but nope I took 3 pregnancy tests and I started getting really excited. After my 12 week check up we saw the heartbeat and everything looked good. I thought I am surely over the 12 week Mark and it will be smooth sailing from here on out. Little did I know that a month later the most devastating news would be given to me. I still feel like it's a bad dream and a nightmare. I am wanting to get surgery over with so I can maybe start to heal and get back to work and just have some normalcy. Anyway my heart is in 1000 pieces and I never thought this would affect me so much. Please pray for me and my boyfriend. He is the love of my life we have been together for 3 years. And he's been so supportive and I know he's sad too. Pray that we get back to focusing on as h other and i pray one day God blesses me with healthy baby. I almost feel like that is the only thing that would fill this emptiness.
Welcome to Share Ashley. I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your baby girl. I heard those same fateful words of no heartbeat at 30 weeks along. It's been a long road. Everyone does this journey in their own way. Take the time you need to physically heal. The emotional part is a bit more tricky. I hope that you and boyfriend continue to talk about her and lean on each other for support. I'd love to know the sweet name you chose for her. I hope that you find some peace in the time that you carried her. I just stumbled on a website today that I am looking into for myself. I only have ultrasound pics of my baby and so I thought I'd share this for other loss moms who might be looking for a special something in honor/memory of their little angels: www.quaintbabyart.com.
Sending hugs and strength,
Thank you for commenting. Im on my mobile so its hard for me to navigate this whole site. Wow your story touched me. I can't imagine at 30 weeks. But if there is a day that things do get better than. I hope I get there. I feel a lot better today. I had the surgery last night and woke up crying because well my stomach was flat. But I woke up with peace today. I think God was with me through the whole thing and brought me peace. I had just picked out a name. Adria Brooke.
Hi Ashley, I'm glad that you woke up with a little peace. I love her name too and thanks for sharing that. Early on, I was constantly touching my tummy because it was so strange to be pregnant one day and then not at all. I wanted to correct myself too. I should have said that the ultrasound pics are the only "living" pics I have of our son. I do have pics of him that were taken by nurses after delivery. When I stumbled on this site, I read posts from women who were much further out from their loss. I thought, okay, somehow these women are still waking up each and every day and still have purpose. It gave me hope that one day I'd be able to cope and move forward with our son in our hearts. It takes time. I'm 9.5 years in and I still have bad days. I know my triggers and I'm always navigating an escape route in public if I ever feel overwhelmed by little ones or parents-to-be. This site has been really helpful in my healing and I hope it can offer you helpful support as well. Someone is always here to listen. I hope that you guys can get some quiet time this weekend and continue to comfort each other.
Take good care,
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