We are first time parents and sadly we lost our baby boy. I gave birth last January 18, 2018, Thursday at 2:14pm (Philippine time) under c section. My baby was at 36 4/7 weeks, he weigh 2.2 kg. The doctor said that he was healthy and scored 9 in the apgar. At around past 6:30 pm i was moved to our private room and shortly after they room-in our baby with me. The lactation nurse instructed us to breastfeed but i cannot see any milk coming from my breast. She told us its fine only the baby could see or feel or taste the milk of course we listened and believed. Friday night our baby was crying hard, irritated and inconsolable. Me, my husband and my mother in law panicked and so worried that maybe he really wasn’t getting any milk from me. We called the nurses every now and then but still instructed us to breastfeed. I asked if we can have formula instead and they refuse still insisted breastfeeding. Their accreditation/certification might be put into jeopardized. I told them i already tried using electric breast pump but still i cant see any milk coming out from my breast. They still insist of breastfeeding and told us that baby stomach is so tiny and as long as he is pooping means he is getting milk from me. He pooped 3 times that friday night all his poop was color black. We thought that he might really eating because he pooped. Come saturday my baby is always sleeping we thaught it was normal for a newborn. I still breastfeed him every now and then but still not sure if I’m producing any milk as i could not see it. The nurses and resident doctors have their usual rounds to see us and always saying that me and baby are ok. Saturday at around 10pm or past 10pm my mother in law noticed that my baby heartbeat was slow and told my husband. My husband carried our baby and notice that our baby’s skin is getting darker. We called the nurse but my husband couldn’t wait for the nurse to come. He ran carrying our baby to the NICU which is located at same floor of our room. There they resucitate, iv him and etc. He was revived but still he can not breathe on his own. The pedia told us that there is a slim chance he will survive.(lack of oxygen and etc.) I was crying all night. Sunday morning he was moved to incubator still with life support, etc but we had hope as we saw our baby conscious and moving. They told us they need to reintubate him. Sunday, January 21, 2018 11:07 am (Philippine time) he passed away. The death certificate stated that the cause of death was SIDS but I'm not convinced. Monday, January 22, 2018 after we attended our son’s burial we came home, I went to the bathroom to change and that was the only time I see myself lactate I called my husband for him to see and we couldn’t do anything else we just cried. Those events were so traumatizing to us and all those events happened while me and my baby are still inside the hospital. Its been 3 weeks already but still my feelings are overflowing so much sadness, despair, frustration, anger and guilt. I failed my son if only i could turn back time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Gabriel. This is one of the traumatic, heartbreaking experiences anyone can endure, and my heart goes out to you. All of your emotions are completely normal and understandable. But I hope, at the very least, you can let go of the guilt. You did everything you could for your baby. A terrible tragedy happened, and you might never find out exactly why, but it wasn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself. Many of us at Share have experienced similar losses and are here to support you. I'll be thinking of you and sending you good wishes.
Welcome to Share. I am deeply sorry to read about the loss of your baby Gabriel. My heart breaks for you as I read your story. I know that there is nothing I can say to make it better. It is more than upsetting when you had concerns about your son and the nurses did not pay more close attention. I am wondering if there could be negligence here? Also, you had a C-section, so it would be understandable to give a baby formula for feedings while mom recovers and/or until colostrum comes in, unless the parents indicated you preferred your breast milk exclusively. You didn't fail him. You did everything for him that you knew to do. I can share in these feelings. I did everything that I knew to do and trusted others (medical professionals) to be looking for signs. Know that we are here to listen and that you are not alone in your feelings.
Sending extra hugs your way this month and beyond,
My deepest condolences to you and your families for the loss of your son. My husband and I lost our daughter at 26 weeks. I'm learning slowly to try to accept and learning to cope. It takes times to heal. I've learned throughtout the years, ask as many questions as possible to your doctor as to why it happened. Lactation is mother nature's cruel intention and I had to ice my breasts in order for them not to lactate. Just always remember the good memories you had with your son and items that they had given you. I look at daughter's memory box and smell her clothes. You did not fail your son. You did everything right. I do feel I want to turn back time as well. No parents should have to go through of loosing a baby, and/or babies or a child or children. I've lost two miscarriages, one stillbirth and 8 years of medical help of trying to get pregnant. Focusing on getting my health, and mind back cause my focus is trying again. You're a strong woman even though I have never met you. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss.
Welcome to SHARE. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gabriel. I cant even begin to imagine how difficult this experience had to have been for you and your family. The feelings you are having a normal. I lost my daughter a little over 11 years ago and I can still remember feeling all those feeling in those early days. You did not fail your son. You loved him very much. Please know you are not alone. Sending you so much love and many many hugs!
HI welcome to share. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. My son died 5 years ago and I remember feeling all the same emotions and those feelings of guilt. Thinking that there must have been something I could have done differently. Just take it one day at time and we are here for you. Many hugs. Nicki
Thank you all for the messages and for the support. We recently went back to the hospital and had a talk with my baby's doctor to somehow ask what really happened and to have a closure. But actually it was not that successful. We went home still so many questions left unanswered.
I'm trying so hard to be strong for myself, for my husband and for our angel baby. I know Gabriel doesn't want to see me sad. I must learn how to pick up myself and to continue walking this rough road im stepping on.
Again, thank you.
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