On April 4th I went to a doctors appt for my 38 week when I was sent over to triache to be monitored and have an ultrasound done unexpectedly.. I left the hospital finding out that my full term baby girl had developed an alarming amount of fluid in her brain between 20 weeks and my appointment.. We were sent to a specialist the next day.. Within a matter of a day I went from thinking I was going to be getting induced and meeting my beautiful little girl within a week to finding out Id be getting induced and saying goodbye to her... On April 6th 2019 at 4:11pm we met our beautiful perfect baby girl Olivia... We spent about 4 hours with her every second as precious as gold... Watching as our little girl got a morphine dose every 20 minutes.. Until she finally took her last breath. Although we find piece of mind knowing that she is no longer in pain and she can rest peacefully.. The pain, hurt, loss, and sadness that we are experiencing is unlike anything I ever thought or imagined feeling... I have been walking around aimlessly for the past week not really knowing what purpose i have left after spending the last 9 months revolving my whole life around this little girl that I never returned with.. The feeling of not being pregnant anymore but also not bringing my beautiful delicate newborn Olivia home either is enough to make me lose my mind.. i have another daughter shell be 10 this year and she is the only reason I have yet to have done so she is my anchor .. And I know everyone says it gets easier but right now is hard and I hate it... I want the hurt to go away... I want life to go back to normal... I wish I could just forget the last week and half and everything be okay again like it was supposed to be.. I know I cant fix this tragedy and as a parent It is killing me to know theres nothing I can do to help Olivia to have never passed away... Nothing i can do to help my other daughter not feel alone and saddened.. Nothing to heal my fiances broken heart... And worst of all to fix myself...
Welcome to Share. I am so sorry to read about the passing of your baby girl Olivia. I know that there aren't any words that can lessen the pain. You had all been waiting so patiently to meet her. No doubt you had such wonderful plans for her early life and dreams for her future with you. You are entitled to scream, curse, cry, and break dishes - whatever you need to do in the moment that feels right! Know that everything you're feeling is normal and it's more than okay to not know what your next step is.
Ten years ago, in March of 2009, I became an angel Mom. I was on bedrest at home and was waiting to meet our son. It all spiraled suddenly one fateful night and it's been quite the journey ever since. Luckily, I found this site and it allowed me a safe place to put a lot of my scattered thoughts. I hope that it can do the same for you. Continue to lean on those lovely supports at home. You need each other.
Sending you hugs,
Hello and Welcome,
I feel like you are describing exactly how I felt when my daughter passed away. I lost her in February of 2007, complications of Trisomy 18. I knew her diagnosis before she was born, but getting to keep her for just a few days made her real. I spent so many days in an utter fog, begging the universe to help me stop feeling so broken hearted and so very helpless. Please know this is a safe place and we are her for you.
Love and hugs
I relate so strongly to everything you wrote. You WILL survive this! Stay strong! "You endure what is unbearable and you bear it. That is all." This quote helped me after the loss of my son Jameson.
Sending positive, healing vibes your way.
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