Back in 2012 I lost my first son at 39 wks. Ryker (my rockstar in the sky). 8 weeks later I was pregnant with my super hero Eli (who will be 6 in Sept). I just found out I’m pregnant . I’ve just hit 7 weeks. I have an appointment with my OBGYN at 10 wks.
Having lost Ryker approximately 7-8 weeks before conceiving Eli. Nothing more heartbreaking then coming home empty handed, empty hearted then coming home without your baby. I didn’t know if or how I would survive. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with Ryker. I would pray to wake up from the nightmare that had become my life.
The fears feel like they have magnified now due to my loss of Ryker, me turning 35 in April and now my health issues of being over weight, diabetic and let’s just throw in boarderline high blood pressure. Things I didn’t even have to face back in 2012/2013.
And now I feel as if I’ve been taken back to my pregnancy with Eli. The constant anxiety and waves of panic. The running to the bathroom everytime I feel “moist or damp” praying as I bolt. In my mind trying to remain calm repeating, “I haven’t had any cramping or horrible pain”. “I know this isn’t a miscarriage”. “Why am I doing this to myself”?
I feel I barely survived my pregnancy with Eli. I was constantly in my feelings. Running to hospitals because I wasn’t certain if I had felt Eli move that day. Constantly calling my OBGYN office making yet another appointment. I got so bad that even my husband didn’t know what else to do for me. I was driving him crazy with my worrying.
Now I keep my craziness inside. The worry inside. I buy pregnancy test to ensure it still says pregnant. I wake up in the night to read others blogs, questions, answers, baby apps, growth charts, etc. whatever I can find to settle my mind if only for a few minutes, hours, maybe a day....if I’m lucky.
I’m hoping this blog will help me get some of the fears out. To read and reread what I’ve written. To see if I can survive this pregnancy. My last chance to give Eli the sibling he wants and deserves. To expand our beautiful family.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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