First off, thank you to all of you who read my blog and story and reached out. It meant so much to us. Yesterday was pretty scary. I was on my way to go grocery shopping, after cajoling Annette with the promise of the car cart. Right as we were about to go in the driveway that leads up to the grocery store, a car ran a red light and hit us. It is by the grace of God that we are both ok, and my car suffered minimal damage. During the past year of losing Atticus, I lost my faith slowly. I drew farther and farther away from God, wondering why he didn't save my son. Recently, I have grown closer to God again. Yes, he didn't save my son. But in all of the situations that have risen in my life, he has saved ME. I got into a terrible car accident at age 19, and He saved me. My daughter and I had a terrible childbirth, and He saved us both. When I was in labor with Atticus, I was terrified. It sounds so selfish, but I was terrified of losing myself. I loved my son with all my heart. But I had a little girl at home who needed me. I was so torn and felt like I was being a terrible mother to both of my children because I wasn't there for either of them. In the last moments of childbirth, I begged God to save me. I told him that I would understand if He needed to take Atticus from me, and to just let me go back to my life. To let me out of the hospital, out of the nightmare that my pregnancy had turned into, and let me go home. A few minutes after I breathed those words, and cried to my husband that I couldn't do it anymore, Atticus came. I feel so guilty that I couldn't hold on, that I couldn't go through another round of magnesium. Another 18 weeks of bedrest and not being home with Annette. As hard as it was to let Atticus go, there was nothing I could have done more to hold on. I gave all I could give. I hope he knows how much I loved him. I hope he felt my arms around him in those 12 minutes that he lived after birth, and that he passed away peacefully. Yesterday, God saved me again. I believe this minor accident happened so God could show me that He will keep me safe if I get pregnant again. It's a difficult choice, to try again after losing a child. Last year, I wasn't ready. This year, I am excited at the prospect. I think it's a good sign. I leave you with my favorite Bible verse.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jer. 29:11
I am so glad to hear that you and your daughter are safe! I really hate how little attention people pay while driving, especially in the grocery store lots! It is nice you could take away something positive and meaningful from the experience. I hope that your faith continues to help you grow and take on what the future may bring.
Love and Hugs
Every night in the nicu Z and I would pray before bed. The amazing thing is that Z's stats always were perfect during the time we prayed and worshiped together. One night I got overwhelmed. I asked God how did He do it? How did He send His only begotten sinless son to live a life of teaching, preaching, loving and healing then watch Him die such an horrible death? I watched my son suffer for 6 months. We had our good days and our bad. I finally accepted it was apart of Gods plan and if was going to get the glory out of Z's death, then His will shall be done. Looking back on it and knowing that I would know any of the amazing people on SYS if i didnt have this experience, makes that pill a little easier to swallow. Im praying for the days ahead.
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