Today, I was asked "so, you're up to 2 babies now, right?", and had to respond that my son had passed away. This person had seen me pregnant with Atticus, but had no idea I had lost him. Do you ever get the feeling that when someone asks, you go monotone? It feels like I have no emotion in my voice when I talk about him to people that don't know me well. The thing is, I am trying so hard to keep all my emotions in check, I worry that it comes across that I don't care. But they don't know this. They just apologize and give me the most piteous look they can. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want my son to be a point of pain in a conversation. There was joy in my pregnancy. Joy when we found out he was a boy (3 days before he was born!). Joy that my daughter was going to be a big sister. This loss hits you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it. Then all you can do is try not to cry, look this person who asked so innocently in the eye, and say the words "He passed away." or "I lost my son." That's when my voice seems to go flat to me, to lose all intensity. To have to say "it's ok" when they tell you how sorry they are. It's not ok, and it will never be ok. But time helps. I don't fall apart anymore when they ask. I think that's all we can expect of ourselves as angel mamas. To do our best, keep it together, and answer in a way that makes sense to us. I just hope that when I say those words, the people hearing them can understand a bit of the inner turmoil that goes on, and know that I loved my Atticus with all my heart.
Isaiah 58:11 "The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."
Those moments are so tough when you have to tell people there is one less living in your household. I've gotten that look too and you just wish they could know the love you have for your baby and how much you're missing him. You handled it well and sadly, we know there will be many more moments just like this when we do our best to keep it together.
So many hugs to you. Even 12 years later those questions are still hard. You are not alone.
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