Moving on. So many times we are forced to move on from experiences that we really want to hold onto no matter how hard they are. These last few months have been a blur sometimes but as I sit back and rewind my mind into everything I have gone through, it gives me hope. It makes me feel stronger than what people say I am.
Depression and anxiety has been taking a toll on my life since my last c-section. I hate calling it that because I have no child to look at in a bassinet, I have no baby to breastfeed, I have nothing that remind me, it was all worth it. By this month we would probably already have known the sex of our little one and a cerclage would have been placed, I would probably still be spending hours on end on Pinterest looking at baby gear, ideas, and healthy foods like if it was my first.
There are days that seem better but then there are those where I crumble into the what if's. I know I've been there before and should know it gets easier but will it?
I finally reached out and looked into getting some help and came to realization that if my life depends on a pill, then so be it. So many of us have to face this challenge every, whether it is loosing a child, having a child in the NICU, or taking care of a child with medical needs. I hate those that judge us.
A couple of weeks ago while I sat in an IEP meeting, those that so many of us dread I really wanted to burst out in tears, I wanted to scream how hard I am trying, how hard it is sometimes to just function and be a normal mother, if those exist. It was then when I realized I needed the help, that extra push and found the courage to do so.
My husband has been my biggest supporter and I honestly couldn't face it all without him. I love how he doesn't judge, he never forgets, he never says "move on".
This Fall Fernando and I will be walking down the isle. Finally. I'm looking forward to that. I'm incorporating Luis' gown, the only piece of clothing he ever wore to my dress and honestly to me that's the most important part of it all. I'm so glad our sweet boys will be there to witness it and having my Luis even closer to me will be just as amazing.
I have to remind myself each day that it's gonna be ok, it's gonna get better. This new normal we live with can get so hard sometimes, and somedays it's ok to cry, I'm never alone in this struggle and I thank you all for always being with me every step of the way.
sending a big hug and wishing I could give you one in person. All we can do is our best and I have learned the hard way to just walk away from those who judge. It's like that poem that was shared at a shareunion about walking in our shoes until someone has had to...I love that you you are incorporating Luis' gown into your special day. Try to focus on the your special day coming up and do what you gotta do to help yourself sometimes life can just get overwhelming no matter how hard we try to keep it all together. Nicki
Maria, love you lady! So many shared feelings for sure. I always turn to my husband and tell him it's a miracle that I'm not running down the street naked and to be happy that I showered:) The pain and heartache is unbearable at times. I am glad that you are taking care of YOU. So many people depend on Mom to be okay and that also can contribute to those overwhelming feelings. As soon as I read "IEP," my heart just skipped a beat. Urgh as those would do me in. Stay focused on your special day and I so love that you've got Luis love on your dress too. Very sweet:)
Sending you so much love. I admire your strength and your dedication to your family. You have to do whatever you need to do to get through every day of life as a mother, a wife and a woman in the world. I wish you as much joy as possible and continued strength to keep going.
Love and Hugs
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