First off, I hope you all are doing well and that your Holiday season was full of many amazing memories and special moments.
I actually began writing a blog entry a couple of weeks ago, it wasn't the first time I attempted too and then saved it half way because emotion won over. It was regarding happy news at that moment and really wanted to share it with you all as I know happy news can turn into difficult moments sometimes and decided to wait it out a couple more weeks.
Back in February that happened. Our news of expecting again probably lasted two amazing weeks before my body decided it wasn't time and miscarriage took over. It was rough, it was sad, it was scary. But it wasn't the end of us trying and for months we took better care of our bodies and kept looking for that joy once again.
Fernando and I got married on September 29th, we decided to bring some happiness into such a bittersweet month after twelve years of loosing our sweet Luis. It was a pretty private courthouse ceremony with only our two boys, my parents and sister. But it was perfect. Our church wedding is planned for this September 29th and in all Mexican tradition will definitely not be private or small. We're really excited for when that day comes.
Two months after getting married and ten months after the miscarriage we found out we were expecting once again. That moment was very special. I had honestly given up hope of having that feeling again excitement but it was simply special and very waited for. Little did we know the rollercoaster of events we were about to face.
It's still a little bit of a blur till this day.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant I started getting HCG counts to reassure myself that my body was okay with the pregnancy. The counts were doubling every two days and the symptoms started showing up which was great. I was four weeks pregnant. I made my high risk OB appointment right away and was scheduled the same week. We went over everything from prior losses, high risk pregnancies, incompetent cervix, cerclage surgeries, P17 shots, steroid shots. I left that appointment very happy and almost positive we were on the right road to a healthy pregnancy.
Two days later everything changed.
December 20th: Bleeding and cramping began. Rushed to hospital where they did labs as well as an ultrasound. HCG was up to around 4500 from the previous one of 1880. The ultrasound tech noticed a weird mass on my uterine cesarean scar but ruled it too soon to diagnose anything. A large cyst was also found on my right ovary. Discharged and diagnosed as a possible early miscarriage and advised to take it easy.
December 23rd: Even heavier bleeding and rushed once again to a different ER. HCG levels were rising rapidly. Still nothing visible in my uterus. Drs thought it was a possible ruptured cyst. Discharged once again.
The following days were a blur. I was rushed to the hospital two more times with severe pain, my husband and I welcomed the New Year in a hospital room away from our two boys and that was heartbreaking. That night we began getting answers in a way. The term the first tech that did my ultrasound was finally making sense to the numerous doctors. Ectopic Cesarean Scar Pregnancy. That would not be the only diagnosis.
On January 2nd the final MRI was done. By then about 8 ultrasounds, both normal and vaginal had been performed and nothing had been found in my uterus, my fallopian tubes or my ovaries. My HCG levels were now at a sky high.
The final diagnosis was given and surgery was scheduled. I was suffering from a Cesarean Scar Pregnancy that had turned into a Molar Pregnancy. What was supposed to develop into an embryo had become a tumor attached to my cesarean scar from my previous pregnancies. I was very sick by then. My kidneys were having trouble and there was no time to waste. Two weeks after the rollercoaster of events had started it was all coming to an end. And that end scary enough would not guarantee my uterus bieing saved.
As I type all this and recall everything the last few days of December, the Holidays that were supposed to be full of joy and an exciting start of a new year I get so darn emotional. I think back to signing all those pre-op form where I was giving the okay in a way of possibly waking up without my uterus. My uterus that has given me the most joy and the most tears in my life. I laid on that bed angry at myself and angry at my body. But the thought of not seeing my two beautiful boys not grow up quickly changed that. God makes no mistakes and I have accepted his Will. I had to once again let go of many dreams and that hurts so so much. It's not fair.
There is still no saying about what comes next, my husband and I have not made any decisions on how to proceed. For now, we are focusing on my health on making sure the boys are doing well. My husband has been the most supportive though it all and now being call his wife definitely puts things into a whole different perspective. I love that man so much
This is my new normal, not the one I wouldn't chosen but not one that I would change. If I had do everything I have to have a family, my boys, I would do anything for those sweet words that call me, Mama, And I have trust in God I will be hearing those words once again when this storm goes through.
I can't end this without saying just how blessed to me Mrs. Santos. This man right here never felt my side. We have gone through so much more than what we could've imagined and never did he once as me why. I love him more than words can describes. If I had to do anything I have done to have out sweet boys, I would do it all over again. I love you sweetheart.
Mrs. Maria Santos, CONGRATULATIONS to both you and Fernando on your nuptials!!! Such a beautiful couple and photo. I LOVE the private intimate wedding ceremony with just a couple of immediate family at the court house. Your bigger ceremony taking place later on this year will be "the event" of the year:) I can already imagine you and your Mom with all of her decorations and party planning ideas.
Oh lady, I am SO sorry for all that you've endured. I am learning new things here because I had no idea about those diagnoses or the possibility of that happening. I'm glad to read that you're okay and still with us! I'm sorry that your new year has started off this way, but you're keeping a positive outlook and that's so admirable. You know it well, one day or moment at a time is all we can ask of ourselves.
Sending love and many hugs,
I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your pregnancy and the possible fertility ramifications i everything could have. You are a dedicated mother and a brave and strong woman. I hope your year gets better as you look forward to your "big" wedding day.
Love and Hugs
First congratulations on your marriage! I am sorry all the things that you have been through lately and what the final outcome was. Many hugs to you. Nicki
So much love dear friend!!!
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