I have this song on play repeat. It is the song from Ari's memorial video. "I have died everyday waiting for you...I have loved you for a thousand years..." What I would give to have that be her wedding song.
So here are some random thoughts.
The snow is falling around us and casting a white pure fluffy layer all around us. I am staring outside with a warm glass of hot tea and watching it fall while I study for my certification exams. I am watching and i see this cute little girl dancing in the snow. She couldn't be more than two years old. Her mother is with her and they are running all around in the snow. i can see that she is laughing and my world freezes. For a moment in time I am seeing what should have been. My vision becomes blurry and I begin to cry. I am at a loss...I am filled with such anger, and physical heart stopping pain. I am sitting here for a good twenty minutes crying uncontrollably, inconsolably. I leave the comfort of my seat and race upstairs to grab my baby's urn. I crawl under my covers and there I remain till DH comes home.
Another scene, happy Sabbath afternoon after church, DH and I are having lunch at our favorite restaurant. Talking and eating...just a fun way to spend time together. A couple comes in with their adorable baby. They push our stroller. The one I bought Ari. They attach the high chair that attaches to the dining table, the one I bought Ari. They take their adorable little girl out and she looks at me and smiles. Her mother proceeds to walk her over near the large window beside our table. The little girl reaches for me. I don't know what to do. I freeze, she is smiling and reaching. I take her in my arms and she grabs my braid. I tickle her tummy and hand her back to her mom. Her dad walks up and chats with our family. DH is all friendly and the small talk is annoying me. This adorable little girl is staring at me with big brown eyes and smiling the entire time. After everyone returns to their seat I get up and walk to the ladies room. Sit on the toilet and cry. DH gets worried and sends me a text "Are you okay?" I don't respond for about ten minutes. I fold myself on a public restroom toilet and cry...
I get a call from my mother in law wanting to know what I am making for Christmas dinner. I tell her I don't know. As she goes on and on about what is going on in the family, who is bringing what...blah blah blah. I get angry. Life is moving on, the pendulum is swinging back and forth...time is ticking away for everyone around me. Except for me
This overwhelming feeling of sorrow that has encapsulated my life over the last three weeks, that has kept me away from Share, that has kept me in this bubble of pain is the only connection to my daughter I have left. I want to hold on to it because if i let it go...then what? This feeling is what moves me to help my friend who is in the NICU with her dauther, this feeling of sorrow is what helps me comfort our friends whose baby passed away in the NICU in April. But this motivating all consuming pain is what is crippling me from being me again...
Welcome to my new normal!
I love that song- when I hear it I always think of our sweeties. I think it would make a beautiful song for the remembrance ceremony.
I'm so sorry there have been so many extra difficult moments... they are unfair.. and it makes living so difficult because you just never know when they will hit you leaving us always on edge. I'm sorry it feels as though the world is moving on... I hate that feeling when so much of us is always with our little ones.
I hope the day comes... perhaps when you aren't expecting it that you may find that it is not the pain that connects you to Ari... it's the love... and right now that love hurts... it hurts something fierce and deep. And that one day the pain will disconnect itself from the love... and what will be left is bigger than what started. It's the love that lasts forever between a mother and child that knows no bounds.. no distance... and no time.
I've been reading through your past blog posts and feel exactly the way you describe everything. My husband and I have been trying to have a family for the past 5 years. I had 3 miscarriages (the first one needed a D&C) and 1 ectopic pregnancy (I lost my right fallopian tube) before this year. After going through 2 rounds of IVF and a FET we were finally pregnant with a baby boy. Our due date was February 17, 2014, but after having preterm labor symptoms and being on hospital bedrest for 2 weeks our sweet Maddox came into the world at 3:04pm November 4th. He was born at only 25 weeks gestation and was in the NICU for 12 days before he passed away from NEC exactly a month ago . It has been a terrible month for us as we adjust to our new normal, but we are blessed to have great friends and family to turn to for support. But even they don't fully get it, and I am so glad that this website is here and people like you are here to voice how you feel. I really wish no one ever has to go through this, but it is the reality that some of us face. Thank you for your beautifully written blogs. They really capture the true emotions and feelings that I have and couldn't really put into words. I pray for us that one day this pain will lessen and that we get the opportunity to be parents. No one will ever replace our little angels, they will forever be in our hearts and memories. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing the song, and the experiences you've had lately. You describe the scenes in so much detail, I feel like I can see the little girl in the snow and the little baby in the restaurant. You must have felt so torn when that little girl reached up to you. Of course you cried :(
I love Lauren's reply-its not the pain that connects you to your angel, its your intense love for her. Please don't feel that when the pain lessens (if it ever does) that you are somehow not as connected to her.
I am sorry that time keeps going, and people seem to have moved on. It is not fair at all.
huge hugs, please visit us often.
I had so many of these same thoughts after Arianna died. I really truly felt like if I let go of that intense immeasurable pain I was letting of her, so I held onto it, almost embraced the waves. Five years later I know that its simply not true. That intense pain is mostly gone and what remains is still just as full of love and devotion to my daughter and her memory. I wish I could tell you how to get to that place but honestly I think that it comes in time. I know that all of the amazing people I have met on Share help tremendously with that. I hope you know that I am always here and am always willing to talk to you, anytime.
I know the holidays are often the hardest time of year next to anniversaries. Please don't feel obligated to jump back into the old routine. The first year after Arianna died I told everyone I had the stomach flu on Christmas and sent my husband and girls by themselves. I just needed time to be with my daughter and feel sad. No one wants the stomach flu so its the perfect excuse. :) I will be thinking of you and your sweet baby girl.
I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug right now. I know it wouldn't take away the pain, or even lessen it, but it would be something. I am so very sorry that you are going though all of this. I know that the year between when I lost Marco and conceived Lucia was a very dark year for me. It was so, so hard. All those moments you described - I remember going through them. I remember pulling into a parking spot at the grocery store only to see a "customer with child" parking sign on the spot - slapping me very hard in the face....and then of course having to go into the grocery store where there are ALWAYS LOTS of babies. Oh the pain. I know it. It hurts. It SUCKS (for lack of a better word).
Reading Lauren's comment here on this post just gave me chills, and I have to agree. That love that you have for Ari is bigger than anything else. You are riding it all out right now....these waves that are hitting hard and furious. We are here for you, to walk this journey with you.
I am sending you lots and lots of love,
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