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Living my new normal

some weeks are harder than others

What a week it's been.  First with my husband's job  being affected by the gov't shut down.  Tongue Tied Stress Stress Stress and more stress there!    Then going through the anxiety of a new social situation and having to answer the now so very personal question of how many kids you have.  and just other little things that were slowly building up.  by Friday I was  to my breaking point and very on edge.  I was very much angry, sad and everything in between and barely holding onto to my sanity.  so what finally sets me off when Walmart doesn't have an item that I need to purchase.  I was no more after that.  So I finally get it together or at least I think I do and then my poor family catches it at lunch time.  My husband had picked C up from School and I offered to make grilled cheese.  C didn't want it he wanted pb(which he eats just about everyday for lunch) so of course me being  the rational person that I was at the moment....hahahahah I  inform my poor 4 year old no I'm making grilled cheese and that's that.  i think I even threw out something about not being a short order cook...even though  C had offered to make his own sandwich ( we he does a lot) Well he melts down and I send him upstairs.  At this point my husband is just trying to save himself and sneak away but he's too slow and I end up snapping at him for I don't even remember.  Not my proudest moment especially when I found out later  that my husband had a trigger moment at C's school so he's not holding it together to well either. He just shuts down were I tend to go on a rampage.   So needless to say we all really needed a do over that day...if only we could control Alt Delete and reboot certain days like we do our computers...But we survived and all his well now.  and I got myself together and went upstairs and gave lots of hugs and kisses to my awesome little guy.  kisses and hugs were returned so I think I am forgiven.  Then at one point I came downstairs singing very off key all you need is Love and got my boys laughing. 

Then today we had our family reunion that we have every year.  This is the first social situation that my husband and I have really been in since Scott's death that has involved a  lot of people.   We did good and had a nice time.  Someone had printed up our family tree and it was nice to see Scott's name on it.  What made it even nicer was that it was just his name.  No dates, it didn't say deceased.  It just showed he was part of our family.  It made me and my husband feel very good. 

Tonight I had been going through some things in a drawer and in it was a cross that we had been given from the funeral home.  It was a set of two and we had put one in Scott's casket.  I hadn't known what to do with ours  so I just shoved it in a drawer and I found it today.  I held it and it's hard to put in words how it made me feel.  But it was like I was connected to him and for a brief moment I was with him.  So I'm glad I didn't throw it away when I was throwing everything away the summer he passed because it was just nice to hold.  It's now back in the drawer and will stay there till I need to hold it again.

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  • I am so sorry for this super stressful week.  I wish the govt. would get it together so that folks can get back to work. That has to be straining everything and I hope the shut down ends very soon.  Hugs are great after strong emotions:)  I thought Walmart carried everything too.  Grrr when they don't have it.  Sounds like you all did great at the reunion.  Lots of triggers there for sure.  I am glad that your family is acknowledging your son too and that your family tree included your angel.  So special that you found the cross.  It's so easy sometimes to start throwing things out when we get in that mood, but I'm so glad you saved it and feel close to your angel with it.

    Hugs,

    Lindsay

  • Let the world stop for the day!! When I have days like these it is all I wish for, Just a stop so i can get it together!! I am so sorry that your family is dealing with so much and will pray that it works out!  I LOVE that Scott was included on the tree, heart melting moment.  Hold your cross close and cherish the moments, sometimes since they are all we have it makes the days easier.

    Many Blessing,

    Helena

  • I'm sorry for all the stress - I know it must be especially tough if your family has been affected by the shut-down.  We all have moments when we snap and say/do things that we're not proud of.  I have found myself to be particularly moody lately - not sure what it's all about - but I can relate.  I have been snapping at my 2 year old, and it doesn't feel good.  Granted - it's only when she is being difficult (as we know they can be!) - but it still doesn't feel good.  Glad you were able to break the tension with a little singing/humor.  

    That really is so nice that Scott was up there as a part of your family tree.  He certainly is part of your family - so he absolutely should be up there.  So glad also that you were able to connect with him with the cross that you have.

    It was really nice to meet you at SU - I'm glad you came and hope you found it to be meaningful.

    Hugs,

    Libby