Well it finally hit me which I knew it would sometime this summer...I should have a Kindergartener this year. and then all the what if's that go with it...Would I be homeschooling if Scott had lived? What would he be like? Would he have been able to handle Public education or needed a more specialized school? How different would my life be?
It didn't help that yesterday I had to get sonogram on my thyroid. Nothing like laying on your back staring at the pictures they put on the ceiling having flashbacks to June 2102 while the sonogram wand is being pressed into your neck. It still amazes me how 5 years later there are things I can remember in complete detail like it happened yesterday if put in the right situation. All I could think about was the last sonogram I had of Scott at Mercy Hospital before I was induced. I could remember the room I was in, how Mike held my hand. How the technician came back after conferring with the doctor, saying, " The doctor wants to know why your here the heart looks great." That feeling of relief and asking for a copy of an image of his heart because what a good story to tell this little one as he grows up.
I think this is what I hate the most about all that happened besides my son dying is the not knowing. The feelings of being "fooled" my entire pregnancy up until the point where he was born and finding out all that was never to be. Like "hahahah, fooled you!" I think that is why I haven't been able to find my faith again.
I hope everything is okay with your thyroid. I can only imagine how nasty those flashbacks must have been. Many hugs to you!
Oh Nikki, I'm sorry. Reliving those moments are downright awful. I'm sorry that you found yourself in that situation with the ultrasound. And I can only imagine what milestones such as kindergarten must feel like for you. Big hugs!
I hope all is well with your thyroid. Sending good vibes for you.
I am sending you hugs Nicki! Every year is hard, but the should have been milestones are so difficult. I remember thinking the exact thing when it was our angel's time for Kinder enrollment and I had the others doing online. I never carried any of mine to term and was nearing the end of our timeline. I was so close to realizing one of my greatest dreams. It still hurts to have it ripped away like that. The helplessness is painful. I hope that you take it easy as this school year brings up a lot. Hoping the thyroid is okay. I am sorry for the flashbacks.
Did U2 already visit you? They are coming to Phx soon:)
All the "what ifs" can be so haunting.
Being anywhere near a sonogram machine is hard for me too. So many emotions tied to it all.
I hope everything is ok with your thyroid.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Scott. I understand that feeling of being tricked by the universe and my heart goes out to you. I'll be thinking of you and sending good wishes
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