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Too Beautiful for Earth

This loss thing........

I think the hardest part of losing Ava has been the lack of acknowledgment of her existence. In part the hardest part is wanting the acknowledgement.  You want so bad for family and friends to realize she was actually here.  For them it may be easier to forget.  No one speaks her name and it makes my skin crawl. I lost a baby, I lost someone I have never known, someone will always be missing and I cant let that go.  So i walk around a part of me died and I slowly try to water and regrow that part.  i was once compassionate, but now I am ice.  I dont care to love the people who did not love me at a time i needed it most because it was too hard for them.  I wonder if they know how hard it was for me.

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  • A friend of mine said to me shortly after I lost my twins, "Shannon, if people had met your sons they would be treating you very differently right now." I know in my heart she was right - that if people had had the chance to hold our children, to see them outside the hospital, the response would be much different. It's so easy for people to forget them because they were never "real." They were and are, of course, but I think people want to forget, that they're so uncomfortable that it's easy to put it out of their minds. No one would ever do that if they'd ever met them. Even though we knew them only from feeling them from the inside and meeting them after it was too late, they are ours. No one else can ever know them. That's part of the hurt, too.

    I know it doesn't help in real life, but I think of you and Ava often. It must be so hard to have sons, but no daughter. Keeping you close in my heart and hoping that someone will speak Ava's name when you need to hear it most.

    Love,

    Shannon

  • OMG! I am there with you! I was just telling DH yesterday that it feels as if I have stopped moving and everyone has moved on. I feel like I have to say her name just to keep her alive. Everyone has moved on to the next phase of life... Our angels will always be a part of our lives. I have family members that I have shut out because they failed me during our time as well.  DH is more forgiving, I am not there yet, nor do I care to be...My heart hurts for you and I am sending you tons of hugs!

  • No....they'll never truly know how hard it is (was) for you.  That's the part that's tough to deal with for me....I don't want them to know, I wouldn't wish this on my worst nightmare....but I just wish they "understood".  Hugs to you---especially as Christmas is approaching and we wish our girls were here with us in physical body.

    Tracy

  • Helena, I am right here with you. No one speaks our angel's name. It's either me, my husband, or our oldest kiddo. Just my husband and I met and held our angel. My other boys knew him from my growing belly and of course from the photos mostly in our bedroom and the brief conversations when asked. My parents were totally absent from our loss. They lost a grandson, but quickly like I mean that weekend turned their energy toward the other pregnant daughter! How my husband and I managed those early weeks I'll always wonder . . .

    I hurt for my angel and the life that could/should have been. I think if people had been in that room with us, there might have been more acknowledgement of him and for our loss. I hurt for so many other mommies living without their babies, trying to be strong, and moving forward while integrating the loss and memories of one's angel. You are Ava's Mom and you always will be. I hope that hubby is remembering his baby girl this holiday. Men do this journey so differently.

    Sending you so many hugs and love,

    Lindsay

  • Helena,

    I am so sorry that you have so few people in your life that acknowledge sweet Ava's existence. That is no doubt very hard. For Jerry and I our circle has gotten significantly smaller since Arianna died. People we couldn't count on have disappeared and stopped communicating with us completely. In many ways I am OK with that. I hate that it took my daughter dying to see their true colors but I am kind of glad I did.

    You know that you can call me anytime and I will gladly talk for hours about your sweet Ava. That is one gift I feel like our sweet girls have given us...friendship. Sending you lots of hugs as Christmas approaches and the is one less set of presents under your tree.

    Hugs,

    Jami

  • Helena:

    So well said, "lost someone I have  never known"… That is the worst part for me… visualizing or imagining how life could have been, how  my angel could have been, is like visualize  a life that could have been.

    Yes it is so sad and hurt so much that people around you, specially family, our own family don't miss our angels, or even say their names. I think the whole purpose of helping others, to tell my story, is to keep her in others memory, that even though her life was short, it was great and  so many things were done in her name, for so many, even though she never took a breath on her own.

    But somehow I started to make up my mind and to "wall" my heart from indifference, so this generalized amnesia  don't hurt me anymore, otherwise, I would be so sorrow…

    We remember Ava, lovely name by the way.

    many hugs

    Lorena

  • At the local support group that I sometimes attend, someone said something that really resonated and I hadn't heard before "grief lasts longer than sympathy".  I felt like that was such a good way to put it.  Our grief will always last - to some degree - in one form or another - for eternity....but most people's sympathy is only short-lived, unfortunately.  

    Hugs to you,

    Libby

  • I somehow miss the comments as I am learning to still navigate around the site.  Thank you for all the beautiful kind words.  i think as I sit and think about life, I am forcing memories on people and it is not healthy.  I resent them for not wanting part in my pain but why should I most days I don't want part in it, i just want peace with it, acceptance that the little dresses and pigtails I dreamed of probably will never be.  I have to find the blessings and they are abundant in my life.