What 10 years after loss has taught me
1. One day you wake up and the world has moved on from that day. The people you thought will always be there for you may no longer be around. Your fear that people will forget your little one may happen. Not that they actually forgot, it just feels like it because they are not as emotionally connected as you are. It's in that moment you have to decide if you will let that consume you. How connected THEY are or are not does not negate the depth of your love for your child. They just don't get it and I am thankful they do not know that pain.
2. So many people will expect you to move on. As if there is a time limit on how long you are allowed to grieve the loss of your child. Remember there is no right or wrong way, there is no guide book on how to grieve this significant loss, there is no time limit. One day at a time and when that is to much one minute at a time.
3. The questions never get easy. "How many kids do you Have?" "Ohhh you have two boys will you try for a girl?" "Wow such a large age gap between your kids did you plan it that way?" Ugh makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Remember it's your story and you can choose when and how you share it. I answer these questions based on how my heart feels. If I'm in a good place I will share our daughters journey. If I'm not, I will protect my heart, I will say I have two kids instead of three because in those moment when I'm not in a good place I need to be in control of the situation and in control of my heart. I used to feel guilty if I didn't include her, but I have learned that she know I love her and I think she will understand when I need to protect my heart.
4. There will always be moments that will take you back to that very day. The grief isn't nearly as consuming as it once was. But even 10 years later but there are times/moment that will ship me back to that day like a time machine. It can be a date, a song, a quote, a child with the same name, a happy moment or sad moment, or the time you look around at a milestone in your life and you just wish that things had been different. That she should be here and you wonder what she would be like if she was.
5. The friends you meet along the way that have walked a similar journey will become your soul sisters. They will understand you without you saying a word. They are able to send you a lifeboat when those waves do hit and you feel like your drowning all over again. They understand your fears even when there not rational. They understand your crazy and they love you for it. They will hold a candle to light the dark, they will guide you along the way even though they too don't know exactly which way to go. These are the people you need to hold on to for dear life.
6. This road isn't always easy. Heck is a long bumpy road. There are going to be moment when you think you have it all under control and there are time where you don't. AND THAT IS OKAY!
It has been 10 years since we said goodbye to our daughter. I am by far the person I was before we said goodbye. I don't even remember the person I was before then. But I am okay with that. This journey taught me a lot about my relationships with other people: family, friends, my husband, and my living children. It taught me about a strength I didn't know I had. I'm a better person because of her. Its amazing how my sweet little girl, who only joined us for a short time, taught me so much about love and life.
So much love to you Sam!! All of this is so very true!
Love and Hugs
I'm sending you so many hugs right now! It's still so hard to wrap one's mind and heart around. Any day living without your baby is heartache. You've managed for ten years and counting. Amazing strength mama!
I couldn't agree more with this. Thinking of you always.
These are all so true! I get those same questions in number three all the time!! It is difficult to decide if i should get into the story of who occupies the gap in our family, if the timing is right in the conversation. As you said, it's still never easy. Thinking of you!
hugs and I agree to everything you wrote. Nicki
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