Its so unbelievable that I find myself here. The 12 years mark is just on the horizen. In the beginning I never thought I would survive the first days, weeks, months.. now here we are looking 12 years in the face. I started feeling the heaviness this week. I didn't understand why I had all these feelings till I looked at the calendar early this morning when I couldn't sleep. But it was around this time 12 years ago that we were told something was wrong with our daughter and my pregnancy. 12 years ago around this time is when everything began to unravel. Five weeks of doctors and specialists leading up to the day we finally had to say goodbye. This time of years consumes me. All these years later I can replay the events as though they are flashes of memories in my mind. Almost as though I am swept away from today and dropped back down to replay those days and weeks. Feeling all the heaviness, feeling the unknown. Each year that passes brings another level of grief. I think as I watch my boys grown I only see more of the things I missed out on by losing her.
I can't help but look at my boys and wonder what might have been had she lived. We would have three kids starting three different schools. Jadon high school, Trinity should be starting middle school, and Jaxson start elementary school. I'm sure that it would be a crazy year if that was the case, but ohhh how I wish that was the case. I often find myself wondering how she would be. What would she look like, how would she interact with her brothers. Would the days feel longer with a preteen little girl running around. Would she jump in to the WWE wrestling matches in constantly breaking up between my boys. Would she feel outnumbered. Would she be a daddy's girl or a mommas girl like I am.
As the years go by I miss her and all those "missed memories" or "missed milestones". The grief does not consume me on a daily basis like they did in the first few years. But these weeks leading up to her birth/passing date are hard. My heart feels heavy especially this early morning.
So much love to you my friend! Thank you for all you do, for always being willing to share Trinity and to be so open about your journey.
Love and hugs
I'm sending you a virtual hug! I am thinking about you as you approach Trinity's angelversary. Every year is important when you're missing someone so special. This is a big year for both of your boys too and I know there are nerves there as well. Hope to hear how their first days of school go. Big, deep breaths.
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