Today begins Pregnancry and Infant Loss Awareness Month. A month put aside to remember our little ones who are no longer here with us. A month to help raise awareness for the lives cut short before they ever really had a chance to live.
I lost my daughter Trinity shortly after she was born twelve year ago. I was 25 weeks along. Trinity was very much wanted and very much loved.
I have learned so much since we had to say goodbye to her. I learned that those who have lost as well, they become your army. Finding a group of people who knows the grief and pain will help heal you. Having someone say "yes, I get it" and you know that they truly do get it helps heal. Knowing you are not alone in the depth of grief will be your lifeline. This army will lift you up in hard times and cheer you on in good times. They will carry you when you feel like you can no longer carry this pain alone.
I've learned that time does not heal all wounds. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of my girl. No, I dont cry everyday, but I do remember her. There are still moments, like birthdays and holidays, where the grief hits like a ton of bricks. This is when I call my army. And it is okay for me to let those moment hit and ride the wave till it passes.
I have learned that I am not the same person I was before I lost her. After I lost her everyone was waiting for the "old" me to return. Heck, I think in the beginning I was waiting for it too. I will never be that person again, and now I am okay with that. Someone once told me that grief was not a sign of weakness but a depth of our love. I sure love my girl. I see life differently. Sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. I have to allow myself to feel the feeling that losing her has created. Sometimes that involves fear and anxiety with my living children. I have learned not to pass those fear and anxiety on to them. So many of those feeling I walk through in my own head or with my army.
I have learned that my relationship with my husband has changed. He is the only one who know exactly what losing our daughter feels like. I have learned that he always has my back even when I don't think he does. I can text him "I miss her" and he know that at that moment I am having a hard time and he can help walk me through those moments. I have learned that loss put a strain on a marriage and I had to fight to keep from drowning. I had to nurture and love him through the hard times, even when I didnt know how.
I have learned that my love for my living boys run far deeper than I ever imagined. Like it takes my breath away.
I have learned that friendships change after loss. I am ever mothers worst nightmare. I have lost a child. It can be a real conversation killer. But I share her because she is apart of my story. A part that deserves to be shared and remembered.
I have learned that through grief you can recieve some of the most amazing gifts. Such as people you would have never have know if you hadn't walked this journey. I have had the privilage to lobby with Congress and share our story. I have fought for babies and the health of pregnant moms. I have learned that giving back and raising awareness can help heal your heart while making a positive impact on the world. I believe that if one child is saved by my effort than I'm doing my job in creating a legacy for my girl. If I can offer one mom who was where I was 12 years ago and ray of hope, than I am achieving great things in Trinitys name.
I am not the 23 year old young loss mom I was 12 years ago. I am surviving. I am growing. I am helping. I am stronger.
So this October as we remember all the babies that left us far to soon I challenge you. Reach out to a mom who may be missing a little one, say their little ones name. Do a small act of kindness. Let the world know that you remember. On October 15, light a candle at 7pm for one hour. Take this month and help raise awareness for not only my girl but for all the others that are no longer with us here on earth.
This is so touching, Sam. Thank you for always sharing a piece of your heart with us.
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