October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Being a mother with no living children is a strange New Normal but I have embraced it as best as I can. It makes you appreciate people and things around you so much more. It makes you aware of how people treat other people especially children. Certain times of the year are more difficult than others. Mother's Day is a difficult for me. We don't get to send Valentine Day cards to school or to daycare. We don't get to sit in the bleachers and cheer them on while they played t-ball, basketball, or soccer. I don't have Tuesday night Cub Scout meetings or Thursday night Girl Scout meetings. The time in the day that most parents complain about how chaotic and noisy it is deafening to those of us with no living children. What we would not do to hear kids Screaming, fussing and fighting together. Holidays are also extremely hard for us too. When you see your entire family together laughing, smiling, talking and having a good time in the back of your mind you always think to yourself, but he supposed to be here too. He's missing. How can you laugh and smile with your grandchildren and your nieces and nephews yet you know deep down one is missing. He supposed to be here. My son has been gone for 5 years now. As time goes by I'm not so lost in my grief as I used to be. My son was here for 6 months and I am now at the point where I can have thoughts about him and the time we spent together and not cry. I can look at his stuffed animals, his belongings and not lash out. I do still have my moments when grief hit me like a ton of bricks and I totally lose my mind. Then I bring myself back in I remember God is still on the throne and my son is sitting at His feet as we speak. Even if my son could come back he would not. He is in Paradise now. He is with me all the time and I speak his name quite often. We do several things throughout the year to let him know how important he is to us and that we will always remember him. His Angelversary is January 29th. Each year I ask family or friends to light a candle at 7 o'clock to post a picture on Facebook and tag me in it. My son memory creates a wave of light, literally going from the west coast to the east coast, it is beautiful and it brings me peace. His birthday is August 5th our family either has a birthday party or barbecue normally on his birthday. This year we all met at a restaurant around 30 friends and family we had this giant birthday cake and I was surrounded solely by love and comfort. His party guests are encouraged to bring baby blankets and beanie hats as gifts to give back to the local NICU. At Christmas time we do a similar thing where he has special ornaments, a stocking, he has a sign that hung on his NICU door asking Santa to please stop here. Once again I ask friends and family to donate blankets books and other items to a local NICU and we give them as Christmas present to the babies who have to spend Christmas in the NICU. I went through that stage where I kept wondering why me, why my son. Why would God allow me to carry him, to have a live birth, and to enjoy him for 6 months and then call him home. What was the plan? He hasn't revealed everything but little by little I understand his perfect plan. Since my son's passing I've had people to reach out to me that know other people that had a loss and didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to go about with funeral arrangements or what other support there was out there for loss parents. I've had my son's primary nurse in the NICU reach out to me to help to talk to several families and parents about their experience in the NICU and some are loss parents. Also being a part of the March of Dimes and active with Share Your Story. I have encountered several women that reached out to me and said because of my faith and my trust in God they were starting again to find their own relationship with God. People don't understand that God created you and he understands every element of you. When I was angry at God for taking back my son He understood and He was patient with me. He knew I was hurting and I had to lash out at someone and Him being God allow me to do so. It took a lot of praying and a lot of calling out to God to get me to where I'm at now. I am a work in progress. I am a mother and my only two children do not walk but they sure do fly.
weet dear friend. I love you and your heart. I love your sweet Z! You have been a guiding light through my journey to reclaim my own faith. You have cried with me, laughed with me, and have been an amazing friend. I wish thing were different and our babies were here. But know if they are anything like their mommas, they are up there giving everyone a run for their money.
So much love and so many hugs!
Hugs and love to you, Nesha. You inspire me with all you do to keep Z's memory alive, and I'll bet Z is one of the proudest angels in heaven... dancing around with pride that you are his mom.
Much love to you!
I needed to read for myself. Even though it's been 11 years since my son left us I have to yet to find that peace with God. I have yet to step in a church and not cry. That's why I hardly do it but as hard as it is the few times I have I have felt that peace inside my heart. You're right God is patient and I wish I could be as strong as Zacc's momma somedays.
I know with the Holidays being so close it takes us back to that beginning. I love that you have found ways to honor your sweet babies and I'm sure they are looking down on you and smiling for all you do in their memory. We know by now it's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry, it's ok to wish they were with us at every reunion and celebration, but they are. They will always be our babies. I'm so sorry for the reasons that our paths crossed but just like they did I know our little ones are playing together in Paradise.
Sending you many hugs,
You are an amazing momma who seeks out ways to reach others. Can you imagine how many families who have been touched by your story and your donations to the nicu? You are truly inspiring friend... We are lucky we have you. Thinking about you while you remember your sweet babies ❤️
Thank you for sharing! So beautifully written! I am so glad you have the connection with God to find peace in knowing he is in control and his plan for you is larger than anything we can imagine or dream! We just have to keep the Faith! Your 2 children are so proud of their Momma and all you do to keep their lives alive! Fly high beautiful children! Hugs!
Thanks for sharing with us Ro- I'm glad that you are finding peace and doing so much good in honor of Z. Sending you lots of love and strength.
Love and Hugs
Thank you. Thank you for trusting us enough to share Zacc with us. Thank you for sharing your faith, your love, your strength. You are an inspiration of love and faith and beauty in this world fraught with anger and hate.
Thank you for simply being true to who you are.
Sending you so much love,
I love that you have found ways to celebrate your angels and do something so positive in their memory. I'm glad to read that you are at a place where you find the joy in the time you spent together. I can relate to the lashing out and still having those moments that hit hard. I'm finding that it's going to take a lifetime to let go of all of the plans and dreams. Thank you for mentioning the holidays as a loss parent. They're coming and they can be really trying. I'll have my Kleenex tucked in my sleeves and ready to go. I'm wishing all of my angel mom friends a gentle holiday season.
hugs to you. You are a great mom to your angels and I know they are looking down smiling at you. Nicki
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