From August to January each and every year since 2012 it is an emotional roller coaster. As most of you know, my family normally does something really creative to celebrate Zacc's birthday each year(August 5th). This year I was determined to step outside the box and try to approach it as an normal day. The day before his birthday my mother, I and my nephew(8 years old)decided to go through Zacc's memory box together. I've never went through it with anyone. It was the first time I went through his things and didn't cry. I was amazed that my nephew remembered so much about Zacc and asked so many questions. Mama went through his NICU daily stat cards, it was just really nice remembering the time we had with him. The next day was his 4th birthday. I decided to go to work, which suprised my boss. I did make a request to family and friends on facebook. I asked them to light a candle for Zacc at 7pm and post it on FB and tag me in it. OMG!!!! It was so wonderful seeing all those candles light up FB!!!! Literally from the west coast to the east coast they were remembering my lil monkee!!!! It's also been extremely rough because all the mommies that I was pregnant with are now sending theirs to Pre-K. The pictures and milestones are bittersweet. I try to picture him with his little pack pack, giving his teachers hell!!!! His NICU buddy, Lil Ray, started this week. I was sooooo proud to see his first day of Pre-K pictures, but I boo-hooed all day. Just like now, I'm writing about him and tears are just pouring down my cheeks. I do okay most of the time but at night it gets bad sometimes. The added stress of not being able to have more kids doesn't make it easier. The bible says that you shouldn't covet what others have, but I can't help it. I'm so humbled that God chose me to be Zacc's mama, but I just wasn't ready to say bye. Yes, it has gotten much better but that hole it always there. That's why you all have been a God sent. You are my sanity, my ecouragement, my sound board and my outlet. I don't have to worry about you getting tired of hearing about what I'm feeling about Z. I just don't want anyone to forget him. He mattered, He was an warrior, He was my true love, the one thing I know I got right in life. As ShareUnion is getting closer I'm so excited and I can't wait to hug each and everyone of you!!!! Keep praying for me and I will surely do the same for you!!!!
Praying for you that you would have strength that surpasses your own understanding and that when you fail to feel that strength that you would be gentle with yourself and know that you are an amazing mother!
Many hugs to you Nesha! That sounds like a sweet moment remembering your little guy with your nephew, I love that he is so interested in learning about his cousin. Thinking of you as you go through the days remembering your boy's life and all that he has changed in the world.
Love you more than you know. Wish I could hug you now! 48 days right?
Many hugs to you, Nesha! I'm glad that your mom and your nephew are so supportive, and that you found the courage to share those precious things of Zacc's with them. I have never shown my family Ethan & Casey's footprints, their foot imprint casts, the outfits they wore -- nothing. Those are mine and I guard them. Maybe I'll be like you and have the courage some day to open up.
Looking forward to seeing you in October.
Many hugs. How special it must have been seeing all those candles lit. I think all of us just want to make sure our little angels are always remembered. How special to have your nephew remember him. It's refreshing sometimes to talk about our angels to a child they give such a different perspective and are so open and honest. Zaccs memory will always be in your nephews heart. I don't recall if we have met if not I am looking forward to meeting you in October. Nicki
Many hugs Nesha, I'm so thankful to many came out to light candles on Zacc's birthday. I think of him and you often- and I am so very excited to see you at SU!
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