It's been a long time 31 and 29 years ago since I lost my two angels. Now for me it sort of doesn't feel real that this all happened. Maybe because I have healed when it comes to all the grief and all those rollercoaster feelings I felt. I guess it seems wrong that I don't get really upset any more I sometime think this is wrong. Maybe I have grown to just live with what happened and I'm so use to the boys not been here with me. I read most of the stories on Share and I do remember very well how I felt back then with what these parents are dealing and feeling with right now. All those what if and the crazy emotional ups and downs. How they feel like there whole world has crashes and unsure which way to turn. I do feel there heart ache and I wish no one had to go through this but there are some things we have no control over which I think sucks big time. I blamed myself for such a long time I went over and over the what could I have done different and the what if I hadn't have gone here that day and would It made any difference. Now I think and I know no it still could have happened. I had to take every day step my step, minute by minute and I felt like I was in this deep dark hole and I could see the light but I just couldn't climb out and reach the top. I knew I couldn't stay there or Id just keep on sinking So one morning I got up, sat on the edge of my bed and said I cant stay like this, I cant change what's happened and I'm sure the boys don't want me to live like this. So I got up and just push myself forward. I had to get my life back. So I started living a normal life but its a different type of normal its what I call the "new normal". My "new normal life" as an angel mum. Oh my god it was so hard but I knew things had to change. I had to change things and move on.
Now I just remember the good things about my boys like how perfect they were. There ten little fingers, there ten toes and the very special but very short time I had with them. I have 2 boxes that I have all there things in and I know they are there for me to look back on anytime when I want and I do. I know now that time does heal and if you had told me back then when this had happened I would have thought Oh yeah right and thought that's easy to say. As if you would know you don't know how I'm feeling right now. Never knowing that everything will be ok and I will be ok and it is ok I am a survivor of this terrible tragedy of losing Sean and Shane but I can reassure you within time it does get easier. Sean was my first child born at 23 weeks and Shane was my 2nd born at 25 weeks Nothing including my 2 girls I have now will replace my boys they will always be my 1st two children. They both have very special places in my heart and will never be forgotten. But seriously if I can survive through all of this (and I really thought I wouldn't) So can you, and you will it just takes time but things will get easier In your time so don't rush it.
Thank you for sharing your story so many years later. I am 12 years into my loss journey, and although I don't feel my sons' absence every day, there are days the pain feels fresh, especially around their angelversary.
I have two rainbow girls as well and cherish them every day.
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