Today is Shanes Angelversary 11th March actually . Its 28yrs since he took his last breath. I remember getting that phone call and been told to get to the hospital now. It was 40mins away it felt like the longest journey Id ever driven even though I done this trip like hundreds of time.
It was madness when I got to the NICU there were all these doctors around him as he was so sick Hed had 2 heart attacks just before I arrived he was still alive and fighting hes guts out when I got there. All of sudden all the alarms went nuts hed had another heart attack he still keep fighting until I spoke Just after I spoke he passed away They tried so hard to bring him back but he just couldn't. The doctor said to me he waited for you he hung on till you got here.
You know I thought my world had fallen apart geez I was only 22 I was single and wasn't sure how I was gonna do this. You see after he died no one wanted to talk about It was like taboo it was like hed never existed. I didn't know which way to turn. I was sad, shocked and mad all in one.
I cried a lot even had snot bubbles, messy hair and looked like crap. I got mad then cried some more. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing and shut the world out.
Well I did for about 3 weeks after the funeral until my friend came round we talked and she did give me some home truths then she left. I laid in that bed and thought about it for hours The next day I decided to get up I did I was still sad but I had to beat this dark hole I was starting to fall into
and kicked myself in the butt to move forward. It was so hard it would have been so easier to climb back into my safe hole but every time Id sink back Id be like no you can do this.
Facing the outside world was hard everywhere I went there were babies and pregnant mothers. It was probably always this way but I noticed it a hell of a lot more after I lost my boys. I also found those who knew me felt awkward around me. I suppose they just didn't know what to say or how to say it. Took me a while to realise that they wouldn't know how I was feeling and if Id hadn't lost m boys I too probably wouldn't know what to say except Im sorry.
But Im sorry isn't what you really want to hear I wanted to hear Are you doing ok? do you want to talk? Im here to listen. Even just to hear the words its gonna be ok.
Took me ages really, to get my life sort of back on track. Its a slow process Don't hurry you really do need time to heal
For me now its not so hard Ive become so use to this new normal but that doesn't mean I don't think about my boys they'll always have a special place in my heart and especially for the new angel mums out there You do move on in time but that love and memories never leave your heart and youll never forget that special angel baby just so you know
((HUGS)) to all of you angel mums
I remember too that pregnant women and young kids/toddlers/infants at the grocery store caused mild panic attacks. One time I actually stashed my basket and just walked out of the store. I tried to start going to the grocery when I thought no kids would or should be out and about. I had always enjoyed going to the park to walk and think and de-stress but that became impossible because ofcourse people had their littles out and about in strollers. Thank you for being here after all these years. Its' good for new angel moms to see you surviving this long.
love and hugs
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