Not being able to remember the last time I posted is usually a good reason to log on. It always means its been way too long!
Not sure why everything feels so crazy lately, no more activity than usual, but maybe I'm just not keeping up very well! We did move to a new home last summer, and some renovations are already underway. We repainted two bedrooms, including Abbeys. She picked out KeyLargo, a shade of teal. Its super bright but its nice and cheerful and definitely fits her. We have also recently demolished the half bath on the main floor, after many discussions we decided it was the priority bathroom due to being the one most used by guests, especially during pool season. I am very excited to see the house really start becoming ours, feeling like we are building something together.
Usually, the first two months of the year are filled with dread and angst; I am just waiting for something to erupt inside me. I find myself dwelling on the "could have been" or "what should be" more often that usual. On January 29th, Josie would have been 12. I can't even begin to fathom to tween girls living in my house, in rooms right next to each other, likely fighting over paint colors, clothes, activities and a myriad of other things that sisters fight about. It is also the time of year when I'm busy with work and Abbey's dance season kicks into high gear with dress rehearsals and competitions. I look at the parents from the dance studio with multiple children, especially young ones, and I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. I devote all my time and energy into just one little girl, and I'm exhausted. I honestly can't fathom dividing my time, attention and my heart with another one. I think I have convinced myself that I can only handle being a mom to one because wanting another is too painful. It's something I can't have, therefore I have to believe that I shouldn't have it.
Then I remember Josie and I wonder even more things. It scares me to jump into that rabbit hole, as the thoughts and questions scare me and make me wonder things I shouldn't. I feel guilty because I think I couldn't possibly give this much love and attention to another child, and then I remember that I should want to, I should be willing to do anything if it meant Josie were here, and 12 years old, and taking up my time and being a big sister.
I think it has been so long, and I have been going strong for so many years that I actually forgot what it was to love her without associating it with pain, or just a tidbit of a story; two sentences to gloss over her entire life, so that someone I barely know isn't uncomfortable and knows that I am doing just fine with all of this. Knows that I am a strong person who has "moved on" and "pushed through" and "doesn't dwell on it." I am that person, most of the time. But sometimes I'm just a mom who wishes she had two girls instead of one, no matter how crazy my life would be.
As a family, we have big plans for 2019. Paint a few more rooms, do some more re-hab in our backyard, take a trip to Disney so that Abbey can dance with her studio, and perhaps be inspired for her future career. ( be a real life Disney princess and dance on Main St.)
Another plan/goal/thought is to expand our family. It's terrifying just to fathom. I'm worried I'm too old, I have too little patience, maybe it wasn't meant to be at all. My husband however likes to leave things up to fate, to chance as it hasn't quite burned him before the way it did me. I hope with everything I have that he is right.
Sounds like the home improvements are coming along! That and plans for more has to be a good distraction. I was thinking about your baby girl last month and her angelversary. I know it doesn't matter how many years go by. It's painful and it will always hurt. I know how you must be thinking about her and even more watching her sister grow up. It's good that everything dance is going on and it sounds like you guys have even more cool things planned for 2019.
Sounds like you have been crazy busy! But, no matter how busy we are, we still take a breath when our babies' angelversaries near. It will be 12 years this week for me too.
Thinking of you as you walk through the unfloding chapters of 2019.
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