I really thought when I woke up on the morning of February 7th and was not filled with overwhelming dread that I had finally made it through the worst 9 days of of every year. I kept thinking that since it was Abbey's ACRO class night that it would be busy enough I wouldn't get caught up in anything. For the first time in 10 years there is no snow on the ground. I contemplated going to the cemetery, but it still gets dark early and I knew traffic would not be in my corner.
For some reason whenever I'm struggling with losing Josie (more than usual) something else has to go wrong, like this week one of our dogs is sick. Of course its one of the older ones, Dennis had years before we met. He took two days from work to stay with her and monitor her. She seems to be on the mend. Something backed up her bowels and the X ray showed all of her food was still in her stomach and intestines for probably a week. So she needed enemas and laxatives and a myriad of other treatments. Dennis wasn't sleeping so he is wound tight and of course worried about her. I can't handle the obsession with the dogs healthcare. I mean, I love them, I care about them, I want them to be okay. But I don't think obsessively googling helps. At. All. But what do I know...and then because I am not losing my mind I get accused of not caring about the dog.....because I'm not crazy about it. I'm happy to report that things finally started moving and she seems to be doing better. (FYI obsessive googling didn't help)
I was cleaning up the kitchen in an attempt to prepare some sort of dinner, mostly leftovers and I just kept getting increasingly pissy, about everything. I'm slamming doors and snapping at people and eventually he storms off after I remark that I don't like dish towels being used for dog related clean up. And then it was over. I retreat to the bedroom to put laundry away, with the door shut to muffle my sobs. He finds me hugging my pillow and sobbing. All of a sudden I'm back in it. I'm back in my awful relationship, surrounded by people who won't help, there is no way out and worst of all my baby girl is gone. She is wrapped in a blanket that I never got back, clothes and hat I never got back, on her way to a cold funeral home where she will wait to be put in a box that I haven't picked out yet, for services I don't want to have or attend, where her great grandfather will call her by his daughter's name, also at a mini prayer service, before the actual prayer service, which I also did not want to have.
Dennis asks why I can't stop crying, and I can't even bring myself to say why. I can't be the mom crying about her baby who died 10 years ago, while her healthy 8 year old is in the next room. I can't seriously be sobbing and hugging a pillow over this loss. I manage to eek out.. "I'm overwhelmed." It wasn't a lie. Eventually Abbey comes to me and hugs me. I hold her and smell her and will myself to get it together because she is here, she still needs me and I can't tell her why I'm crying, not right now. I can't tell her that her big sister, who she often laments over, died 10 years ago today and I can't get myself out of the moment. I also have to stop this break down before it escalates because I have to get to the dance studio and collect the t shirt order forms to turn in to the printing company. I make it through dinner and I drive to the studio. I step out for a minute and go across the street to Perkins (damn the lack of Starbucks close by!) buy a raspberry tea and a huge chocolate brownie. I ate the entire brownie in my car and hid the evidence so I wouldn't have to share it. It was delicious. I kept telling myself it didn't count because no one saw me, but now I've confessed so I guess I have to work those calories off eventually..... But I did feel better, so that's something.
Maybe its due to the 10 year anniversary, but this was by far the worse Angelversary date ever. Oddly enough, I didn't even break down that day. I was dead and numb from the inside out. Sure I cried...but not the way people usually do when they lose someone, especially their child. I handed her to the funeral director and watched him drive away. I'm still mad I never got her stuff back. Sometimes when I close my eyes and breathe really deep I can remember her scent, but its getting harder and harder. I hope now that I let myself lose it I can move on and continue my March for Babies work with hope. There is a new loss mom on the committee and I really want to be a good example of survival.
Sorry for the depressing post, I just needed to get this out.
Please don't ever apologize for sharing your feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. That's the beautiful thing about Share. You are safe here and never have to explain your feelings.
Sending you big hugs as you walk through this month remembering your sweet Josie.
I have been thinking about you. Angelversaries and the days leading up to them are just so hard and overwhelming. You had shared that it was her 10-year angelversary and that's such a big one, a very significant chunk of time. You're still standing and getting up each and every day for you, for Josie, for Abbey, and Dennis. Pretty brave if you ask me:) I LOVE that you stopped and got yourself a yummy tea and brownie. I'm smiling because I know I've hid evidence before too because I didn't want to share. Moms give so much of themselves. You deserve a little splurge and I'm sure you'll still fit the dress. No worries.
I wanted to share that I didn't cry when I met my son and had to give him back to hospital staff. I don't know if it was the meds, the transfusions, the shock or a combination of everything. The tears didn't come until 2 days later and didn't stop for a long time. I can still get easily teary though and that probably won't ever change unless I go for Botox or something.
Thinking of your angel and sending you hugs,
Josie, thank you for posting this very real post. Ten years without her is huge and you deserve to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it. SO much love to you and your sweet Josie. Know that I am thinking of your whole family today.
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