I left the hospital Tuesday night & man was it hard for me. After my boyfriend came back to the hospital he started packing up my stuff & putting them in the car. After seeing our baby girl in the NICU the nurses offered me the night & I could leave in the morning whatever time I wanted so I could be where I had to be on time. I wanted to stay so bad but I didn't want to force my boyfriend to spend one more night there just because it was hard for me to leave. I was a huge mess. Between the fact that that day since I woke up I hadn't felt so good & I felt like the pains meds were not working & then the major emotions of leaving my baby behind & the worry/scare of going home after more than a month of NOT being there & how it would be....I couldn't stop crying hysterically & I couldn't open up to my boyfriend about it, I didn't want him feeling some type of way. He kept telling me that if I wanted to stay the night to let him know but I could sense he didn't want to do that at all so I didn't want to force anything on anyone. We went to see baby girl one last time & seeing her made me calm down just enough to be able to leave. When we were driving away I just felt like a piece of me was dying & I couldn't feel my heartbeat. When I got home I was so excited to see my boys but my oldest was sick with a fever all that day & he didn't seem well & my now middle one seemed like he didn't want anything to do with me, he looked very unsure & didn't know how to act. When bedtime came (not long after I got home because we left somewhere between 9-10pm) I felt weird being home....it didn't feel like my home. The place is a disaster (I don't know if it's because of "packing" for the new place or because someone else was here for a month watching my kids), my window blinds were completely damaged, a picture frame that's important to me was missing, my tub is clogged, there's ants in my bathroom again, there's a hole in my bathroom where the doorknob meets the wall....just chaos. It's a lot to take in because I didn't leave my apartment like this. I didn't say anything to anyone & I haven't bothered now to really say anything...last night I did casually mention to my boyfriend how I came home to things being crazy, he asked what I meant & I only mentioned two things he already knew about because I had told him already & one more. I didn't want to stress him out even more with it because his mom is a handful case, we don't know how we were able to sort of deal with her watching my kids this whole month. So I'm trying to not be that sort of person & complain. When it came to sleeping at bedtime....I couldn't, I was up all night & it was hard for me to sleep.
After she took the boys to daycare in the morning, I pumped & took a 2 hour-ish nap & rebooted myself. I felt a bit better after sleeping but I still felt very odd & out of place. My boyfriend was still off, it was his last day off & we had so much to do. We went to sign the lease to the new place we will be renting & being spontaneous I asked if I could go see it since I had seen it thru a video call. That made me feel a lot better & made me very quiet on the way back home, it even made my boyfriend very quiet which is odd because he LOVES to talk his head off. We went to another appointment right away & then we went to see our baby girl. I felt so much better seeing her & touching her little head. My boyfriend left with his mom while I stood behind with Eden & I spent about 2, 3 hours in the NICU with her. They let me hold her for about an hour before her feeding time & all I kept thinking was how beautiful she is. Near the time the hour was over I was fighting sleep & asked my boyfriend to come get me when he could because I was in a lot of pain & needed my meds & I was tired. He brought me my meds & asked me if I wanted to go shopping for a few things for me & I said sure so we spent a bit of the night together & it felt good because we barely have that.
Before yesterday was my first time home with him gone at work & his mom was running errands for us & I was a mess again. I was so sad he had to go to work & I was in a lot of pain. Last time I had a bowel movement was last Friday before Eden was born & my body wanted to go but I couldn't. I hadn't taken a stool softener since I was in the hospital so his mom went out to get me some & I just struggled with the pain. I had 4 45-60min bathroom trips & nothing but then after a nap I sat there for more than an hour & I was then painfully able to go. I told his mom that if a vaginal delivery felt anything like that that I just had an invisible baby & I HATED it. My stomach felt much better after that tho & I was happy but exhausted. After my boyfriend got out of work near 11:30pm he asked if I wanted to go see our baby girl when he got home & settled & I said yeah, that I'd loved to since I hadn't seen her during the day. So a little past 1am we went to see her for a few minutes. Seen him watch her with the new found Love in his face was beyond priceless.
Yesterday my body let me know I was exhausted by having me sleep until a little past 1pm, I was shocked! Near 3 me & my mother in law went to see baby girl & i held her for an hour & a half while she fed. But before the feeding the new nurse I hadn't met had me check her temp & change her diaper. When she asked me to pick her up myself, I honestly just freaked & told her I was too scared to grab her...that it's a panic I've always had when it came to handling newborns. She handed her to me & for the almost 2 hours I held her she was nonstop smiling & at one point even LAUGHED!! It was a small laugh but it was beautiful!! As I watched her & kissed her all over I realized that there is a thing where you fall in Love with someone unconditionally when you first meet them. It still feels unreal I had another baby, let alone a girl, but I love Eden beyond anything. I Love my boys to death, don't get me wrong but I guess because of the tough pregnancy I had with her I have a special kind of Love towards her. I can't wait for her to come home already! The nurse said that if she keeps doing good she will graduate from NICU to PCN. They are trying to give her the bottle but she doesn't seem interested in it. I even tried yesterday but she was more interested in sleep smiling than eating!
During the night I had the worst experiences. While awake, my boyfriend had just come home from work & we were watching "Impractical Jokers" & I was laying down slightly on my side & out of nowhere I felt a sharp pain on my back. I sat up slowly & the pain made me think I had kidney stones but I knew that wasn't it. The pain was there for a while but I tried to ignore it. I tried getting up at one point to use the bathroom & when I came back I went to the kitchen to get him something to eat that was already in the fridge & out of nowhere that sharp pain took over my left side of my lower back & then down my leg. I couldn't move, I couldn't walk, I got scared. He realized I was in pain & told me to go lay down again & while crying I moved slowly towards the bed. He helped me get on the bed & lay down completely on my back & he asked me what happened. I told him what I was feeling & that I didn't understand why I was in so much pain now because I was fine during the day, it had really confused me. After a few hours I felt fine & we decided to sleep. At 2 something I started to feel very cold & started to shiver & shake. As the minutes went by the shaking & shivering & coldness became more extreme more than anything I had ever felt in the hospital & it was hard to breath. When I was finally able to open my eyes I looked at the clock & it said 2:20am. I was trying to control my breathing & take deep breaths but it wasn't working. After 10mins that I was aware of passed, I did what I didn't want to do...I woke him up. I told him thru tears to hug me because I was feeling very cold & I couldn't stop shaking. His sleepy self came over to me to do just that but it wasn't working. My shaking & the way I was breathing woke him & asked me what was wrong. I told him again & he started to hold me. After 10-15 more minutes had passed by it was just increasing & getting worse. By now I thought I was going to die & he felt upset because he didn't know how to help me. I decided to call my OB's number & tried to get a hold of the on call doctor & see what they said but while waiting for someone to answer the music on the phone seemed to ease down the shaking & chills. By now it had been more than 30 minutes that I had the shakes & chills & I was happy it was finally easing down. I thought I was going to die. But I went back to sleep once it was gone. A few hours later I woke up to use the bathroom & my head felt very heavy & I felt extremely hot, I knew I had a fever. I laid back down & went to sleep. At nearly 7am I woke up & was in a pool of sweat. I felt much better but felt off. After he went to work I pumped my milk for baby girl & went back to sleep & was on & off sleeping for the rest of the day until my boyfriend woke me passed 4pm! I felt so weird & after we hung up, I got up & realized I was very shaky & felt very weak. My mom called & as I spoke to her in Spanish I realized I was struggling way more than usual talking to her...I sounded like my dad that has Parkinson's & Alzheimer's. When I hung up with her I ate some cereal, drank some OJ, & took two Tylenol's...the first medication of the day I take. I've felt a bit better but still feel off. My boyfriend just walked in the door & I'm happy I'm finally not alone. He told me I better not cry again like I did last night because he was about to cry himself because he was petrified for me & he just had no idea what to do. I told him if I didn't feel good again I would just go to the hospital.
I hope that you are feeling better and your shaking and pain is subsiding. Keep an eye on it and call your ob if you have anymore symptoms. This happened to me after I had my first, even though it was vaginal delivery. I had a fever, cramping, cold, shaking etc. They checked me out at the ER and gave me pain meds. I was over-extending myself, running around too much and not taking good care of myself. Try not to stress too much about the housekeeping matters, only so much you can do. I'm happy to hear that baby Eden is doing so well and you can engage in her care. Keep us posted, hang in there.
Love and Hugs
Hoping you are feeling a little better - have you talked with your OB yet about it? It never hurts to call their office and talk it over with a doctor or nurse. That always makes me feel better. I'm so sorry you are going through the emotional roller coaster of being at home while Eden is in the NICU. It's a hard journey but I'm so glad she is doing good. I was also very scared to hold my little ones. They were so tiny and I was so worried about the cords and wires, but once I did, I felt so much better. You are doing a great job mom. Sending you lots of support!!
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