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My name is Brittany and I was prompted to visit this forum and share my story with the community in hopes of receiving some feedback and support. Im 21 years old and suffered a loss on November 7, 2016. I guess to start off, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS as a young teen. Struggling with lack of control of my body throughout the majority of my young adult life I feel is part of why I decided to take control of my body when I wished to become a mother. I am currently engaged to the love of my life and together we felt we were financially stable enough and as prepared as we will ever be to raise a baby of our own. As my cycles are irregular, it took 4 rounds of clomid to finally get the call from the doctor, who shared news with me that changed the rest of my life forever. I was pregnant and absolutely elated (so was my fiance).
With the 5 week ultra sound we discovered, to my surprise, 2 fertilized eggs, and with the next ultra sound, also to my surprise, one egg became identical twins. TRIPLETS?!?! I instantly cried. Then we laughed. It was completely unexpected and also so thrilling. But, with a triplet pregnancy comes it's risks. I was advised that a selective reduction may raise my chances of bringing at least one healthy baby home. How could I possibly choose between my babies? My own flesh and blood made purely out of love and passion, how could I chose? I left school and my job to give me the proper amount of time needed to come to a decision. At 13 weeks along, I was nervously laying on the exam table while the doctor stuck huge needles into my abdomen. I understand this topic, especially at this time, is EXTREMELY debatable and I please ask that no negative comments be brought up towards this matter. It is a guilt I still completely struggle with... I kept instinctively guarding myself and my babies. I guess it had taken all the way up until this exact moment, I call it an epiphany, to realize that I could not possibly go through with this. I was going to fight until the end for my babies, no matter how difficult the process would be, I'm a mother and that's what mothers do. By this time, I had not truly bonded with my pregnancy, and I never really did in the end. But that moment I allowed myself to look up at the screen and really just take in each and every baby, and how far they'd come, and feeling their kicks as they performed little dances, I knew I would never love anything or anyone else with more intensity (other than the man who made them with me).
The next three weeks were bliss... so much so I barely noticed the small contractions I was having (I brushed it off as kicking or gas). I still wonder whether if I had called and alerted the doctor of my symptoms I would've saved my sons. My 16 week ultra sound revealed all three were boys (just what I had hoped)! Still discussing names and how I would reveal this to my family, the doctor on call that day delivered to my fiance and I the worst news ever Imaginable. I do not recall the exact words, nor do I recall the next week. Time blurs out, then I hold my sons, then it blurs out again and eventually I am just here writing my story. That's how I can best explain it. My cervix at 16 weeks was 90% effaced and 1cm dilated. I would not be taking my babies home. I would not be taking my babies home. I would not be taking my babies home (that's how the doctor told me). On bedrest, heparin injections, and progesterone pills vaginally, in an out of the hospital 3 times that week, I finally gave birth to my three sons.
Ever so silently, the identical twins slipped into this world at 9:16 and their brother followed at 9:26. I asked they be taken away until I felt ready enough to meet them. 30 minutes later the nurse brought in 3 teeny tiny baby boys, wrapped in little wash cloths, surrounded each by a knitted colored blanket (yellow, green, white), and all wrapped together in one larger blue knitted blanket. Each baby had an infant sock on their head, cut and tied with a blue ribbon at the top (all that would fit and still so fitting for the moment). That night and the next day I just held them. Looked at their faces. Memorized every groove, every color, every nose and ear and mouth and eyes. Their smell was intoxicating. I sobbed, then laughed, then stared, cried, yelled into my fiance's shoulder, hugged, kissed, cried, smiled, bonded, all in a vicious never ending cycle. I was here and there all at once. I sulked and seeped in their presence. Honored yet vulnerable. The experience I had at the hospital is one I couldn't possibly explain. I called the funeral home, arranged for them to be picked up and cremated. Nothing made sense. Everything was and is wrong. It still feels wrong this minute. I had to hug them one last time, kiss them one last time, touch their nose, breathe their scent, and the when I put them down in their bed for the last time, that moment burned into my memory, just what I wanted but didn't ask for. I just whispered into their ears, "I love you I love you I love you... mommy loves you." And I left. I just turned and walked out.
My fiance drove me home. I couldn't understand. Why? What's happening? That night I called the L&D floor back asking where they were and if anyone was with them. It broke my heart no one was holding them. Were they cold? hungry? They have to be hungry! I gotta get back there. How could I leave my babies alone? Half of my heart was in those babies, and half of my heart was with me on the couch. Broken in two I just stared out the window waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
So, with those who have had losses, you can sort of imagine what my life has been up until now. Those who have not had a loss, I'm sure can imagine. I am here, I am breathing, I am a mother of 3 beautiful baby boys, and I am trying to bring home a rainbow baby. I still cry, A LOT. Grief has 5 steps, and each person experiences those steps in different orders, at different times, and more than once. Some days I feel I am starting all over again. Losing a baby does not get easier... you just learn to live with it as best you can. My relationship with my fiance is surprisingly is as strong as ever. Just knowing he is the father of my babies makes me never want to leave his loving arms. We've decided to start planning our wedding which is a nice change of pace. I am currently still on a leave of absence from work. I will be returning to school in the fall to finish up my senior year of Nursing. And that is it. My story... Their story.. Our story. Our adventure together, although only 17 weeks, is one to remember and cherish for the rest of my life until I can hold them and kiss them and smell them again. I'm a mom, he's a dad, and they are our baby boys forever.
For: Daniel, Gabriel, and Joel.
In reply to AandO:
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