Grieving the loss of what could have been is even harder...

Hello. My name is Justine and I have been reading these posts for the past 2 weeks and now finally decided to tell my story.  2 weeks ago I felt a gush of fluid, I was 23 weeks pregnant. I didn't know what was going on, but was so scared.  I went directly to the hospital when they told me what I already knew in my gut: my water had broke and I was in labor.  The doctors were so kind and trying to be optimistic, but deep down inside I knew I need to prepare for the worst, I just had a bad feeling. There was very little amniotic fluid left and my cervix was shortening.  They gave me the steroids, IV treatment and hope but unfortunately she decided to come. I went into labor soon after the second steroid shot. It was only 24 hours after arriving at the hospital that she was born and later she died.  Part of me really wished to be one of those women who stay on bed rest and are able to carry to full term. Another part of me wished we would have one of those miracle babies.  But apparently that was not in our cards.  I so wish this didn't happen. I would give anything to be pregnant again. I constantly ask myself why: why us, why me, why did this happen, why why why. But I know there is no reason. My doctors examined everything and cannot give me a medical reason why this happened. I had a very normal and uneventful pregnancy, which makes it even harder to grasp. there was no warnings or signs.  Giving birth and not having a child is so hard.  Grieving the loss of what could have been is even harder.  

I do have to say that reading these storied remind me that I am not alone. Although it doesn't make it any easier, I appreciate the community and knowing that there is support out there, there are other parents that are grieving too. 

5 Replies

  • I'm so sorry. I have a very similar story just a few weeks ago also. I dont understand it or want it to be true for us.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers <3
  • Hi thank you for sharing your story with us. so many questions we have after our little one dies. Why? What ifs? All we can do is keep taking it one day at time. Share is a special place and know we are here for you when you need us. hugs. Nicki
  • Hi Justine, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I'm glad you've found some comfort here. You've experienced one of the most traumatic ordeals anyone can endure. All of your emotions are completely understandable and normal, and your honesty and clarity are truly inspiring. I think one of the hardest things is accepting that sometimes these things happen with no warnings and no explanations. But it's true that you're not alone. So many of us at Share have gone through similar experiences and are eager to support you. I'll be thinking of you and sending you hugs.
  • Hello and Welcome. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found us here and that you decided to share with us. Of course I wish the same things that you mentioned, and it would be so much better if you were not here needing support. I lost my first daughter 11 years ago to Trisomy 18. I still grieve for her yet the years have given me more peace than I thought they could. Blogging here and talking with others who understand is very helpful, and I hope you come back again when you need to share more. Wishing you so much peace.
    Love and Hugs
  • Welcome to Share. I'm very sorry you had need to find us here, yet also so glad you have- you are not alone. I am so very sorry for the loss of your little girl. Loss leaves us with so many questions on top of grieving the child we love. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.