It's now been 5 weeks since our baby was born and died at 23 weeks. It's crazy to think how things have changed. This time last month we were in the hospital making the most difficult decision. I constantly think how our lives would be different if our baby girl survived or even if we were still pregnant. But that's not the reality that we were given. Instead we are making the most everything. Thankfully this experience has brought me and my husband closer together. We're going out to concerts, date nights and making travel plans with friends. Slowly our lives are regaining some normalcy, but there are still some things that are hard to deal with.
One particular issue has been dealing with family. I have 2 older sisters who both have babies. My oldest sister came to visit me a few weeks ago and it was so nice to have my big sister nearby. She was able to come by herself (left the husband and baby at home) and stay the weekend. Her son was born only 3 weeks premature but has some minor developmental disabilities. Thankfully at 1 year old he is starting to hit some milestones. but I know it's been difficult and scary for my sister and brother-in-law, not knowing what wrong and how he will turn out. It was nice that we were able to open up to each other about share stories about our how hard it's been. It was also nice to just drink wine, stay up late and chat.
My middle sister is planning a weekend trip in a few weeks. She coming with our parents and her daughter who is 10 months. She asked if she can stay with me, and I said yes without thinking about it. Yesterday I got a call from my parents who starting telling me that I need to baby proof my apartment (move the guest bedroom around, buy baby mats, etc). The thought of having to baby proof my apartment hit me like a ton of bricks. It became hard to imagine baby proofing our apartment for a baby that we will never have. the emotions came flooding all over again: the overwhelming feeling of the sadness, the desire to have a child and fear that we might never be able to carry a baby to term.
I expressed to my parents that I don't know if I'm ready for this, I mean I just spend the last 5 weeks storing all the baby things and reminders of our loss. My mom basically said get over it and just deal. She thinks it would be helpful for me to see a cute baby so that it will make me want to try again. I told her it's not that we don't want to retry, but it's the fear that my water could prematurely rupture again. that we don't know why it happened, so there is no guarantee that it won't happen again. The fear is that we might never get to experience a health happy baby of our own.
My dad has been understanding and offered to get a hotel room for my sister and her baby. But I'm torn: I feel like a bad sister not wanting to have my niece stay with us, but at the same time I don't know how I will feel when I'm faced with having a baby in my apartment. I love my niece but I don't know if I'm ready for that. My sister hasn't called or reached out. I am not sure what to do.