Hi my name is Alix. Three and a half weeks ago I lost my first born, at 21w3d pregnant. On Monday, 3/26/18, I went for my 20 week anatomy scan and everything was perfect. There was so much stress and sadness going out around my husband and I for about a month or two, but at least we had our perfect, healthy baby. That's what we kept telling ourselves. Then on Monday, 4/2/18, one week later, I was woken up from my sleep at four o'clock in the morning with horrible stomach pain. This was my first pregnancy so I didn't know what to think. I'd heard that some cramping was normal, and I know that I have a very low pain tolerance, so I wanted to think that it was normal. I lied there in pain for an hour or so. There was no bleeding or anything, just stomach pain. I waited until about 8 or 9 that morning to call the doctor. The nurse that I spoke to said that it just sounded like I was severely constipated. My husband went and get me some stool softeners and I drank lots of water, but I was still in pain. It wasn't as bad as it had been, just felt like period cramps. I went two days dealing with this, when I finally decided to call the doctor again. I hadn't felt him move in two days. It had become normal to feel him every night when I went to bed. But after two nights with no movement, I decided to go to the hospital just to be sure that everything was ok. I got to the hospital and told the nurse what had been going on, and she told me it was all normal. Sometimes that early on you go a few days without feeling movement. Stomach pain was normal. When I tried to show her a picture of what I thought was the mucus plug, she didn't want to see it. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. Until they couldn't find the heartbeat. Four different nurses tried. I was living a nightmare. A blood clot caused a total placental abruption. I walked around for two days while my baby wasn't getting any nutrients or oxygen and I had no idea. They took 25 tubes of blood to try and figure out why this happened, but there was no explanation. That Thursday, 4/5/18, our sweet baby boy Colby Wayne was born at 15.2 ounces. The doctor says that there was nothing I could have done. Even if I had gone to the hospital that night that I was in so much pain, they couldn't have saved him. But I can't help but to carry so much guilt. I feel so guilty that my body did this to him. And I feel so angry that this happened to me. I try not to, but I do. I can't go back to normal life. I tried to go to work after three weeks and I had a panic attack in the bathroom, and they sent me home. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that it will get better. I know that I'll never forget what happened, and I'll always carry my baby boy in my heart. But I need to know that I'll be able to go back to normal life. And that I'll be able to have more babies one day, without being a basket case.