Hi, my name is Osa, mum to my beautiful angel baby Olivia who I lost at 28weeks on 6/4/2018 to pprom. My husband and I have been married for almost 4years and trying to conceive. We got pregnant on our first round of IVF and I was confirmed pregnant with twins but at 7weeks, I started spotting and lost one of the twin. It was a sad experience but I still had one baby to look forward to and love. My first trimester was a bit rough,I was in and out of the hospital a couple of times but it soon settled down in my second trimester and I started enjoying my bump. This was my first pregnancy and like many first time moms to be, you assume you carry your baby for 9months and get to take your baby home. When I was 20weeks, I started wetting my panties and I thought it was urine. I went to the hospital and that was the first time I heard of incompetent cervix or pprom. I was already 4cm dilated and my membranes pushing out of my cervix. An emergency cerclage was done and I thought the worse was behind. You see, I only allowed myself read pprom success stories online to remain in a positive space about my pregnancy but nothing could have prepared me for the weeks to come. On 22/03/2018, my water broke when I was 25 weeks, 5days. My baby still had fluid in her stomach and bladder and a strong heart beat so it was a waiting game of when I go into labour. I prayed for her to stay in longer so she could grow as much as possible. At 28weeks on 5/4/2018, I caught an infection and they had to deliver her immediately via c-section but the infection had already gotten to her. She had severe sepsis and was bleeding in her lungs. She lived for 20hours and passed.
This has been the most devastating experience of my life. I was very sick from the infection and stayed 7days in the hospital. It was so depressing seeing other mothers craddling their babies yet I had to leave the hospital empty handed and in pain from my section.
I still cry everyday for my baby. I just want her home with me. I want to swaddle her in the blankets her grandma knitted for her. I want to breastfeed her, to put her in her cot to sleep. Everyday I imagine how different my life would be if she was here with me.
Now I am trying to put myself together and face the world. I thought I was emotionally ready to face people today so I went to the salon to have my hair done. The hairdressers were asking after baby and I froze. I didn't know what to say. I have been upset since then. I thought I could do this. I will be back to work in 3weeks and I am so scared to have to tell colleagues my baby died. I really can't handle sympathy, I am afraid I will have many breakdowns in the office.
Will I ever be happy again? I seem to always wear a sad face and the few times I laugh about something, I remember my baby and out goes any feeling of normal.
I still wish this was all a dream.