I want her back so bad

Hi, my name is Osa, mum to my beautiful angel baby Olivia who I lost at 28weeks on 6/4/2018 to pprom. My husband and I have been married for almost 4years and trying to conceive. We got pregnant on our first round of IVF and I was confirmed pregnant with twins but at 7weeks, I started spotting and lost one of the twin. It was a sad experience but I still had one baby to look forward to and love. My first trimester was a bit rough,I was in and out of the hospital a couple of times but it soon settled down in my second trimester and I started enjoying my bump. This was my first pregnancy and like many first time moms to be, you assume you carry your baby for 9months and get to take your baby home. When I was 20weeks, I started wetting my panties and I thought it was urine. I went to the hospital and that was the first time I heard of incompetent cervix or pprom. I was already 4cm dilated and my membranes pushing out of my cervix. An emergency cerclage was done and I thought the worse was behind. You see, I only allowed myself read pprom success stories online to remain in a positive space about my pregnancy but nothing could have prepared me for the weeks to come. On 22/03/2018, my water broke when I was 25 weeks, 5days. My baby still had fluid in her stomach and bladder and a strong heart beat so it was a waiting game of when I go into labour. I prayed for her to stay in longer so she could grow as much as possible. At 28weeks on 5/4/2018, I caught an infection and they had to deliver her immediately via c-section but the infection had already gotten to her. She had severe sepsis and was bleeding in her lungs. She lived for 20hours and passed.

This has been the most devastating experience of my life. I was very sick from the infection and stayed 7days in the hospital. It was so depressing seeing other mothers craddling their babies yet I had to leave the hospital empty handed and in pain from my section.

I still cry everyday for my baby. I just want her home with me. I want to swaddle her in the blankets her grandma knitted for her. I want to breastfeed her, to put her in her cot to sleep. Everyday I imagine how different my life would be if she was here with me.

Now I am trying to put myself together and face the world. I thought I was emotionally ready to face people today so I went to the salon to have my hair done. The hairdressers were asking after baby and I froze. I didn't know what to say. I have been upset since then. I thought I could do this. I will be back to work in 3weeks and I am so scared to have to tell colleagues my baby died. I really can't handle sympathy, I am afraid I will have many breakdowns in the office.

Will I ever be happy again? I seem to always wear a sad face and the few times I laugh about something, I remember my baby and out goes any feeling of normal.

I still wish this was all a dream.

4 Replies

  • In reply to Josie12907:

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I still remember how difficult those first days, weeks, and months were. Please be kind to yourself and know you are not alone. Many many hugs to you

  • Welcome to Share Osa. I am so very sorry to read about the loss of your baby girl. You have been through so much and I know how much you must be missing her. Please be gentle with yourself. I'm an angel mom as well and found this site just days after my loss. I echo what the other ladies have said and starting that blog really provided me that emotional outlet I so needed. It was important to know that I was not alone. Leaving the house after loss is a challenge. There are triggers and curious people everywhere. Hard when you run into someone too who knew you were pregnant. The looks of pity and then avoidance are unreal. It's those first steps in moving forward that are so equally painful, but necessary. It's acknowledging everything that was once planned and was supposed to be. Know that everyone does this journey in their own way and timeline. I am hopeful that maybe a co-worker might reach out to ask what might be helpful as you transition back to work. I hope that everyone stays respectful and gives you space. So many can relate to all of the feelings you shared here in your post.

    Wishing you continued strength,

  • Hi Osa,
    I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Be kind to yourself and know that you're not alone. We are here for you and will support you through all of this.
    I found that writing her in my own blog allowed for my own healing. I didn't have to sugar coat my feelings in any way and found it to be cathartic to get my feelings out, while receiving support from the Share Community.

    Wishing you peace.
  • Hello Again-
    I'm sorry I didn't see this post sooner, I know I spoke with you prior about going back to work. I too remember what it was like to go out and about after my daughter died. Many people in my circle of acquaintances knew I was pregnant but not the extent of my baby's birth defect. When they saw me out, they wanted to know how she was. It was incredibly awkward and sad. I found myself not reacting for fear of upsetting others. I too was hoping it was a dream, something I would wake up from. Please know you're not alone and we are here for you. Many of us use the blog feature to give updates, to vent and receive feedback from those who truly understand us. I will be thinking of you.
    Love and Hugs