Hello Mama’s. I’ve been reading your stories and my heart absolutely breaks for all of you. I am not happy to be apart of this club and I feel almost... guilty for finding some comfort in your stories, no matter how slight.
I have lost two little babes. My first 8 years ago- at 19 weeks. A little girl, named Harper. With it being so long ago, I don’t remember all the details leading up to it, I think it’s easier for me to forget. I recall that at some point during the first trimester, I began bleeding. The doctors had suspected placental abruption and put me on bed rest. On the morning of my 21st birthday, I went to see the high risk specialist. Baby girl was fine- her heart beat was strong- but there was no amniotic fluid surrounding her. I was sent home and told to come back a couple days later to see if I could reseal and fill back up. It didn’t happen. I was told that even if I carried her to term (which they swore was impossible) and even if she made it through the delivery, she would die immediately upon birth as her lungs were undeveloped and she would not be able to breathe. I was given the choice to wait it out or induce labor. I chose to induce and get it over with ASAP. Her heart beat until a few hours before she was born.
I did not opt for a pathology report as I was told that what happened was just a fluke, bad luck.
In April of 2017, I was blessed to have a beautiful, perfect, healthy little boy named Silas. He is what holds me together. My pregnancy with him was not easy and he was born by emergency c section at 36 weeks as again, I had lost most of my amniotic fluid and he was stuck breach.
Shortly after his first birthday, I became pregnant again. I had purchased a home Doppler that I used diligently every morning and sometimes in the evenings, just to soothe my nerves. At 20 weeks,4 days pregnant I woke up and checked for his heartbeat as I did every day. I couldn’t find it. I rushed to the labor and delivery of our local hospital where the nurses also tried to locate his heartbeat and were unable. They told me not to worry, he was just positioned strangely, they were bringing the ultrasound machine in and we would see that everything was alright. I already knew.
After many agonizing minutes, the ultrasound tech finally arrived. Tavon had no heartbeat. I stayed in the hospital for six days inducing labor and finally giving birth to my second angel baby. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad but I was so doped up during my hospital stay that I have very little recollection of Tavon being born. I have pictures and his ashes and that’s about it. Some time during this process, I had apparently stated that I wanted to die, to be be with my baby. After all I went through, I was forced to have a psych evaluation and strongly urged to discharge into a psychiatric hospital, “for my own safety” I had already been away from Silas for almost a week now, and there was NO WAY I was leaving the hospital and not going home to him. I was put on strong psych meds and on 24 hour surveillance in my home for seven days.
The pathology report for Tavon came back inconclusive. My placenta was smaller than expected, like all my other pregnancies, but Tavon was perfect and healthy.
I don’t know how a person, especially a mother, is ever to recover from things like this. I have two urns that sit on my dresser and that is it. That is all I have to show for growing and losing two perfect little babies. That and the constant fear of what is to come as we just recently learned that I am pregnant again. We had been using protection as I don’t feel confident about carrying another baby yet. I am trying my best to remain positive, to envision myself holding and nursing a healthy little babe. I try and keep my anxiety at bay as to not harm or worry the little life in my belly. I am trying so hard, but the fear makes it almost impossible. I’m terrified to plan for another baby. Milestones mean nothing as I know how quickly it can all be taken away. There is no “safe” time of pregnancy, at least not for me. It makes me angry at other women that have multiple children. It makes me angry at women who publicly announce it as soon as they take a positive test. It feels so unfair.
Thank you for letting me tell my story.