Birth Defect Loss

Hello i'm new to this community , seeking hope and support dealing with the loss of my first baby girl. I went into to get my anomaly exam after all my blood work and testings came back normal. The anomaly exam showed my baby girl had a neural tube defect called spina bifida. I was extremely shocked , confused , sad and felt like my hope was destroyed. In the state of Texas 21.6 weeks for medical termination is the deadline . My Anomaly appointment was on a Thursday at 21.0 weeks , I couldn't get in to the specialist until Monday to verify if the diagnosis my baby girl received was accurate. When I went to the specialist I was 21.4 weeks and had to make a decision that day. The hardest decision I ever had to make in my life. A decision I never thought would be apart of my pregnancy. I did everything right , ate healthy etc . I just don't understand why ... I guess I never will . I felt like if I kept her , her quality of life wouldn't have been like a normal healthy child and I would have been sad and depressed the whole pregnancy ,not knowing her outcome . The termination was also not the best route. It just seemed like a loose loose situation . My husband and I choose the termination route because we didn't want our baby to suffer . She would have needed two surgeries immediately following birth. A Surgery to close the spina bifida and a surgery for a shunt in her brain . Fluid had already begin to build up. Ut was a hard decision because there is so much unknown about this disease. I am having a hard time dealing with this. Everyone around me is pregnant and my baby would have ben born first. I think I have developed some type of pregnancy jealously and I also feel jealous towards my husband since he has kids already . It makes me feel terrible and ashamed like my body failed me . There are women who do drugs and drink while pregnant and have totally normal healthy babies. I'm here wondering if anyone has been through this and just looking for some hope. I'm kind of terrified to try again because I can't be faced with another issue like this . I guess I didn't realize  all of the complications related to pregnancy. It always seems as if you get pregnant and you deliver a healthy normal baby but so many women like us don't get to experience that. I'm just looking for comforting words from other angel moms  who understand. Most people mean well but if they haven't experienced it then they don't understand. I'll pray for faith and hope for all of the families on here that had to deal with these traumatic losses .  

2 Replies

  • In reply to Josie12907:

    Hi , thank you so much for replying ! I’m sorry to hear about your baby girl . Losing a child is one of the hardest things ever . This gives me more hope to know that you have the faith and strength to continue living . You were strong enough to try again . I don’t understand some people and the things they say . They just don’t understand and never will since they haven’t been in either of our positions before . I’m trying to find faith through the situation . I too don’t understand why me but I’ve come to realize my angel baby girl was here to build my faith . We will never forget but just learn to cope and I know one day we will see our angel babies again ! Thank you so much , feels good to hear from another angel mom . Wishing you strength and peace as well !
  • Hello and Welcome. I lost my first daughter to Trisomy 18, after she lived for 9 days. I can relate to all the feelings of bitterness and jealousy. While I hadn't planned for her, I did my absolute best to be healthy for my baby. I took my vitamins, I ate my dairy/veggies, I rested and avoided caffeine. It was so unfair to me that I should have a baby with this defect when I hadn't done anything wrong to my body, while others squandered their gifts of healthy babies by not taking care of themselves and not living for their children. When I went to run errands or even to my job, I would become easily irate with other parents whom I didn't feel appreciated their children. One customer actually once looked at me straight in the face, asked if I had kids, and when I simply said No, she looked down at her fussing toddler, back at me and said rudely, "DON'T." I had to walk away.
    All of what you are feeling is normal, and truly is a part of the process. Try not to be too down on yourself. You're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be sad and to grieve the loss of your baby.
    Sending you so much strength and peace