NICU Newbie

My son slid into this world in the most unexpected and surreal way on May 25, 2017. He was born at 24 weeks, 6 days.

Instantly after birth, he was taken to NICU. Although I've seen him and touched him, I still haven't been able to hold him or experience bonding.

Today, I was released from the hospital. I'm back home with my husband and 2-year old, but I can't help feeling guilty and incomplete. This was NOT supposed to turn out like this. This was NOT what I had planned.

I have anxiety around future NICU visits. My desire is to go everyday just to lay eyes on him and get his status updates. But thinking about the coming weeks, and trying to return to work in an effort to conserve my maternity leave until after he arrives home, I fear that my visits will be limited to weekends only...and that TERRIFIES me!! How can a mommy only see her child 2 days a week? Especially when he's in the fight for his life??

Also, because this wasn't part of my plan, I still haven't ordered a breast pump. I'm having everyone tell me how important my breast milk is for him at this time, but I'm behind an 8-ball and unable to pump due to lack of equipment. This is terrifying and angering me! I want to provide my baby with what's best but sounds like time is NOT on my side!!

I'm trying to be strong for my husband, who doesn't do well with emotions, and my 2-year old. I'm trying to stop the tears and continue to pep myself up with positive thoughts and affirmations. However, my emotions and thoughts often get the best of me and I just have to let it out!!

4 Replies

  • Congrats on your baby boy! I too went in to the hospital for a migraine and delivered my son at 26 weeks. Now that you are a NICU mom everyone and I mean everyone tells you their nicu story. My son was born MAY 7 2017 and he was 2 pounds 4 oz. He Is now 5 pounds. Be strong mama. I have anxiety as well and I have not showered in 3 days. Seriously eww right. I wake up, I go to work, and I go see my little. Going back to work is hard for any mom but with a baby in the NICU I feel your pain. I want to say you will feel better but you wont. You will learn to cope. I did not have much of anything when I went into the hospital when I delivered my son. I deff did not have a pump. I posted on fb and my friends loaned me one. I am very angry and very sad at my/ our situations. I've had anxiety attacks and trust me mama they are coming for you. Be calm and breath. You are a mom above all you are a human. Yes he is in safe hands but YOU are his mom. If you work all day and come home to a husband and a 2 year old no one will disapprove you not going every day. I would suggest every other day if you can. Don't stress about your milk supply. His tummy is very small right now and anything you can produce helps. My son just celebrated his 2 months in nicu and they are not sure when he will be able to come home. He his lung disease because he had pneumonia. If you need to vent I am here. From one pissed off, worried, stressed, human mom to another- you can do this!
  • In reply to Josie12907:

    You should ask the nurses in the NICU about getting a pump for free for 2 weeks and then possibly rentals. Visit your baby anytime you can, even if it is for 15 mins, before you pick up your toddler. And don't let people at work get you down if you don't stay later than others, your newbie and family is what matters now. You are in my prayers! Hugs!!!
  • Hi there, thanks for joining Share - we are here for you every step of the way. I can understand the feelings you are having - it's a roller coaster and totally not what you had planned. The guilt is there, it's a feeling that us moms just have :( . I wish I could give you a huge hug. Talk to your nurses and talk to us here - we'll help from afar as much as we can. Sometimes being stronger is letting it out - and I hope you will use Share and us other moms who have lived the preemie and NICU life to help you through this. Just try and take it one day at a time. I know you are being pulled in so many directions, but lean on others for help if you can. Keep us posted on YOU and your baby.

  • Hello and Welcome to Share. Congratulations on your baby boy. I am so sorry that his entrance was not what you had hoped for him and your family. I hope you have been able to figure out a breast pump and work out getting him the proper nourishment. You might even be able to get donations from a milk bank. And don't worry about letting it out here, this is the right place for it. Wishing you the best for your baby and family and strength for your journey.
    Love and Hugs