My son slid into this world in the most unexpected and surreal way on May 25, 2017. He was born at 24 weeks, 6 days.
Instantly after birth, he was taken to NICU. Although I've seen him and touched him, I still haven't been able to hold him or experience bonding.
Today, I was released from the hospital. I'm back home with my husband and 2-year old, but I can't help feeling guilty and incomplete. This was NOT supposed to turn out like this. This was NOT what I had planned.
I have anxiety around future NICU visits. My desire is to go everyday just to lay eyes on him and get his status updates. But thinking about the coming weeks, and trying to return to work in an effort to conserve my maternity leave until after he arrives home, I fear that my visits will be limited to weekends only...and that TERRIFIES me!! How can a mommy only see her child 2 days a week? Especially when he's in the fight for his life??
Also, because this wasn't part of my plan, I still haven't ordered a breast pump. I'm having everyone tell me how important my breast milk is for him at this time, but I'm behind an 8-ball and unable to pump due to lack of equipment. This is terrifying and angering me! I want to provide my baby with what's best but sounds like time is NOT on my side!!
I'm trying to be strong for my husband, who doesn't do well with emotions, and my 2-year old. I'm trying to stop the tears and continue to pep myself up with positive thoughts and affirmations. However, my emotions and thoughts often get the best of me and I just have to let it out!!