Things people say that bother me..

    I just need to vent.. My son was born 6 days ago, 8 weeks and 6 days early.

    I called my dad for the first time since little Wesley was born the day before yesterday. My sister has been my advocate, keeping the family in the loop. My dad said- Wesley will be fine, don't worry. Your brother was a premie and look at him. I was like- Did he code after delivery? They performed CPR on Wes for 20 minutes. He said he didn't know that, but I know that this information was relayed to the family. It didn't make me feel better. My baby almost died. The doctor told us they weren't sure if he would make it. I know my dad meant well, but it's frustrating that people say things so lighthearted without understanding the seriousness of the situation. He has no idea what me & my boyfriend, Jason, went through. Everyone keeps saying he will be fine, but I thought my pregnancy & delivery would be fine but it was a living nightmare. Now I know the truth- sometimes things are NOT fine.

    There's more.. I was telling him we are taking it day by day and trying to be positive. It's been very stressful for both Jason and myself. I'm on bed rest with the exception of making trips to the NICU. So I told my dad that Jason has picked up all the responsibility of the house & caring for our 3 year old on top of working. His said- "so what?"

    As if he deserves no credit or recognition because its expected. I was beyond enraged. I responded short & sweet- Dad you are not understanding what I'm saying.. I got to go. Talk to you later.

    I was discharged in the middle of a blizzard. We arrived home and Jason snowblowed our driveway while I laid on the couch and cried. Coming home with no baby in my belly or arms was depressing. I fell asleep and he came in to find our pipe burst in our laundry room. He had to shut off the water to the whole house until our landlord came to repair it, but turned it on when I had to use the bathroom. He had to snowblow for a second time. The house was a mess in addition to all the blood in our bedroom from the placental abruption. Two days ago we locked ourselves out of our house upon return from the NICU. We made 2 trips to the landlords office to retrieve the correct spare key, with our 3 year old. My boobs felt like they were going to burst and it was below freezing.

    My sister just made a comment yesterday that Jason needs to do more to help. I lost it. She apologized, but because I was upset and not because she understood our situation.

    At this point I don't want to talk to anyone, or at least keep it to the bare minimum. They just stress me out more. Anyone else having the same problems or similar frustrations? How do you cope?

3 Replies

  • Hi Emily, welcome to Share. I'm so glad you're using this space to vent! You're going through one of the most traumatic and stressful experiences anyone can undergo, and you have every right to feel frustrated and alienated from everyone who doesn't seem to understand what you and your partner are going through. I think a lot of us here at Share can relate. When my daughter was suddenly born 15 weeks early (and my son was only 13 months old), almost everyone around us seemed so unable to understand our situation--cracking lame jokes, dismissing our worries, telling us that "no matter what, she'll be fine"--that my husband and I often felt like we were going crazy.

    The truth is, most people still have no idea what it's really like to have a premature baby. And most people don't know what to say, but they feel like they have to say something rather than simply listen and be with you in all that darkness and uncertainty. Before it happened to me, I think I might've reacted that way, too. During the 3 months my daughter spent in the NICU, I ended up withdrawing from almost everyone. It wasn't healthy long-term, but it was my way of coping at the time. It wasn't until much later that I began to write about my experiences and find support and solidarity in communities like this. So you're already WAY ahead of me there!

    First and foremost, be kind to yourself and your partner. Take what's helpful from everyone else and leave the rest. Don't be afraid to be very direct in telling your family and friends what you need and what you don't need -- and that includes advice, false reassurance, etc. Don't feel guilty for any of this. I'm sure that, in time, you'll be able to appreciate everyone's good intentions, forgive the insensitive comments, and understand where they were coming from. Right now, you and your babies come first.

    Sending hugs to you and your family,
    Deanna
  • When we were going through everything with my son everything else seemed to happen too around the house. a bashed mailbox, the toilet broke, driving from the hospital a rock hit my windshield and cracked it. To the point where you just want to scream as loud as you can ENOUGH! On top of all of this we to had a 3 year old at home who just didn't understand everything that was going on. When you have people who are trying to be well meaning with their words...but...it just adds to the situation. I set up a caringbridge site. It's free and I could put updates on there without talking to people. I think people don't know how to respond to a baby being sick so they try to say things that just doesn't work. I am sending you many hugs and hope that your baby is doing well and and can come home soon. Nicki
  • Hello and Welcome-
    Congratulations on your new baby boy. I have found that even people we are close to have no idea what to say or even how to act when we are going through a traumatic event, especially a baby in the NICU. I think that the amount of "warm and fuzzy" stories regarding babies surviving premature birth also desensitize the general public to how serious it really is. They never cover how terrifying it is to witness your baby have serious medical interventions to survive or what its like for the parents to have to endure everything afterwards. As always, every day inconveniences of life don't seem small anymore, every problem seems huge when dealing with a crisis. I'm sorry your family is not as sensitive as they could be. I hope your baby boy is doing well and I hope to hear updates about his NICU stay soon.
    Love and Hugs
    Brandi
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