Anxiety

Hey I’m maddison a military spouse and this is my story.

June 3rd we arrived at our new duplex in Kansas after the 19 hour drive from Fort Lee, VA. Met our landlords for the first time and slept on a blow up bed because our stuff would not be delivered tell the 5th. The next I was not feeling well so I thought it would be a good time to go try to make a drs appointment and meet my new OB. Well turns out I’m not in the system yet so I decided to go to the ER since I was already in the hospital. I get taken back and they check my blood pressure. I get immediately sent up to labor and delivery where they panic. Apparently I have developed sever sudden onset preeclampsia out of nowhere. They can’t get my blood pressure to come down with medication. The drs and nurses are acting like I’m dying. They call an ambulance and send me to the capital so I will be at a hospital with a nicu in case my baby needs to come now. During the ride to the new hospital my blood pressure finally responded to the medicine. I am placed on bed rest and told I should be able to go home in a few days. The 7th comes along and they change their minds. I will be staying in the hospital on full bed rest tell the 13th of June when I will be 34 weeks and they will induce my me. After those grueling 9 days of being stuck in the hospital while my poor husband had to orchestrate everything move related I finally started the process of induction. 2 days later I’m still not progressing but I’m having terrible contractions a minute apart I finally give up. They take me for a c section and turns out he had a hand and a foot stuck up by his head so he was not going to come naturally anyway. After an amazingly fast surgery they give me a quick look and then wisk my baby boy away. Recovery hurt more than anything Iv ever experienced in that first week. I could only go see my baby a few times a day tell they discharged me. We live more than an hour from the hospital so were lucky when they had room at the local Ronald McDonald house for me. Pumping has been one problem after another, with supply, blocks, blisters that won’t go away. Even with seeing specialists every day it feels like a lost cause. Finally fast forward to today. My baby will be a month old and he is doing well. They are trying to ween him off oxygen and he has been taking about an ounce at a time from his bottle feedings. That’s why I don’t understand why all of the sudden my anxiety has gone through the roof. I cry all the time. I am paranoid and have to sleep with a light on. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without thinking of my poor baby alone in his hospital room. I don’t resent my baby and I love him terribly but I think something is wrong with me.

2 Replies

  • Welcome to Share Maddison and congratulations on the birth of your son! You're family has been through a lot and so much happened all at once. Urgh, it's so scary, overwhelming, confusing, frustrating, and wonderful all at once! I am so glad to read that both you and baby are doing well. I know how hard it is to have a baby in the NICU. My first son was a 32-weeker and spent a few weeks there. Let me tell you, a lot of what you are feeling is normal. I became hypersensitive very quickly. You feel like you're going nutz because all of your emotions and hormones are on overload. Your little one came early, the recovery from surgery is painful, he's in the NICU, and you and hubby must be feeling pulled in so many directions. I can so relate to what you described. Having a baby early, surgery, and NICU experience is a form of trauma. You're processing and it's A LOT to take in. Of course, if these feelings increase, do tell your doctor. If you aren't sleeping great, that can heighten things too and there's no shame in asking for a Rx. Know that your baby is receiving great care and that any amount of milk you can provide is super awesome! Hearing his mommy's voice is helping him grow too:) I hope being closer to him and visiting longer might help. For me, I felt better when I felt more included in my son's care during my visits. I hope some of this brings you comfort. We're here to listen and support you.

    Sending strength,

    Lindsay
  • Hi, I am also a military spouse. I gave birth to our son by emergency csection on June 23 at 23 weeks just a few hours after my husband returned from his deployment. He has been on and off the ventilator on top of one problem after another. Despite it all, I am glad he is here. When it comes to me, I am experiencing anxiety as well. I cry all the time and get easily frustrated. I dont even think I have had time to focus on recovering from the surgery. I dont sleep because I am up thinking or constantly pumping. Sometimes I have to make myself eat. I just question "Why me? Why our child? Why does this happen period?" Everything is overwhelming. It is okay to not be okay. There are people who constantly tell me to be strong and keep my head held high, but nobody has told me that it is not wrong for me to feel sad and cry out to have my son home with me like everyone else. Take it one second at a time. Take pictures and while you pump, relax and look at the pictures of your baby. Use breast gel pads to help with blocks and soreness. They can be heated or frozen. You are an amazing mother and doing an awesome job! You are not alone. You baby is blessed to have you working hard and most definitely to have you as his mommy. Cry, scream, shout! Let it out!
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