Healing physically and emotionally

It doesn't end with the physical loss of my baby. I still need to heal from my c-section and be reminded everyday that my womb is empty. I'm carrying this scar with nothing to show for it. I'm producing milk for a baby I will never feed. I grieve for the loss of my baby and also for the physical pains of my body that reminds me of the child I no longer have. I don't know how I got through it the first time after losing my twins last year. Going through this again is not any easier. In fact,  it's harder. I don't know how I got through it last time. I always thought it was my faith that helped me but this time around my faith is weak. I don't understand Gods plan for my life or why he took my 3 babies. I don't understand how I'm supposed to work through this. There's so much pain.

6 Replies

  • In reply to nmiller77:

    Thank you Nicki! You are so right and I feel the same way. So many questions, so little answers :( I really appreciate the feedback from everyone. It feels good to know I'm not alone, but at the same time, it's sad to know the common ground we share :'( Hoping for the best for all of us <3 hugs, Kai
  • In reply to TATIAJSloveyouCJ:

    I am so sorry for the loss of your precious CJ. There is no manual for losing a baby/babies and I was not prepared for the physical grief that I would experience. I feel like I was aware of the emotional pain and grief but didn't think about the physical part until I was experiencing it. I am thankful that we have Share to help us mommies talk about our pain and grief with each other and to be rays of hope to one another :) I hope that you and your husband stay strong and if anything, grow closer to each other to help each other through this. Let's NOT give up and keep hope! :) Take care! Hugs, Kai
  • I am so sorry for your losses. Those physical reminders are just added pain to our immense sadness we are going through. Waiting for that milk to dry up and my stomach to shrink down just reminders of what should have been. I too question so many things now. Many hugs to you and we are here for you. Nicki
  • I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your little angels. The agony one goes through both physical and emotional is unbearable at times and you are left with more questions than answers. Like you, I question God why he took my baby from me. I have three almost grown children and this fourth baby meant the world to me. I had prayed for him and when I found myself pregnant I felt the greatest joy but that happiness ended when at 22 weeks I went into preterm labor, delivered me baby but went home without him. I was numbed after that and mother nature did nothing to help me. I went through all the changes and stages with no baby to care for. I felt like I was being punished for something I did and had no right to ask God for anything. It will be 7 months since I lost my CJ and I still struggle with babies, pregnant ladies and my faith. I try to be happy and get back to normal life but the memory of his perfect little face just breaks me down. I want to try again but my husband refuses (this baby was his first). I want to believe that he is afraid but, I don't know anymore, this has taken a toll in our relationship.
    My heart and love goes out you and the only thing I can say is, cry. Cry until you can't no more. It's really the only way to let out the sorrow we feel. I know of a story where a lady had 10 losses but didn't give up. She had a little girl December of last year. If she can do it, we can too!
  • In reply to Josie12907:

    Thank you. I will look into it. I'm open to anything that may help. -Kai
  • I am so very very sorry for your losses. I know there is nothing I can say that will ever make it better for you. Please know you are not alone. I blog at Angelversary and it has really helped me to sort through feelings of losing my daughter Josie.