Losing my 3 angel babies childless and Alone

My husband and I My husband and I will be married for 3 years on September 20th. We are high school sweethearts and year later decided to start our family. We first started trying months after getting married with no luck. After 2 years going by with no success still we decided to go see a fertility doctor. After the doctor explained my diagnosis I was given medication to start my period because I wasn't ovulating on my own. I was then told having an IUI would give me our best chances of having a baby. I agreed and May 2016 I got my first positive pregnancy test. I couldn't wait to tell my husband and he was so happy to know he was going to be a daddy. Everything was fine during this first 10 weeks. Then one hot day in July I was outside and my hands were so big and swollen I didn't even recognize my hands. I thought maybe I was on my feet too much and the hot weather must have made them swollen. Last thing on my mind was that being a red flag. I was then 10 weeks and a few days. After that I didn't have any more problems. 13 weeks and 5 days (August 8, 2016)  was the most depressing , devastating day of my life. Around 5 am that morning I woke up with pressure in my lower pelvic area . I was thinking my bladder must be full so I went to the bathroom. Before I could even make it to the door my water broke and right after I had small bleeding. I began to panic like crazy because I didn't know what was happening. I was praying and shouting " please God don't take my baby". My husband and another relative heard me scream and I had called 911. I had rushed to the nearest hospital and by then I was sitting in a pool of my own blood in pain mentally and physically. They then had a ultrasound tech take a look at the baby. At that time the baby was there but no amniotic sac. I still had little hope left my baby could be saved. But soon after the little hope I did have left was gone. My precious aj passed away my then first son. He was named after his father Alexander. I couldn't take the pain the disappointment of losing our first child. All I could say was WHY!! Asking God why did you allow this to happen to me. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE THIS!. As today I still don't know why. He was so tiny but had all of his 10 fingers and toes. And the resemblance of me and his daddy was there. All I could do was cry out as my happiness taken away from me so soon. After losing him I developed panic/ anxiety attacks veryyyyy bad. So bad to the point every night I was in the ER room. For having trouble breathing, shaking, having cold sweats, feeling very hot like etc. I was living in a nightmare. My husband worked at that same hospital at the time I would enter into the ER room every night. The boss in the department didn't understand how bad my husband was grieving and didn't care . He literally fired him and we had no money. I was hoping this was just a dream and this wasn't happening to me.

After Aj I grieved so much but I knew to help fulfill the void I had , I wanted to try again.  After discussing that with my husband he agreed that we try again. We didn't try on our own this time so instead we went back to the same fertility doctor. After seeing her she helped me have hope of trying again and said that maybe it was just a fluke or something and wouldn't see us trying again as dangerous. So December 2016 I had another IUI and 2 weeks later became pregnant with twins! I recorded the days of how I was feeling the first time I became pregnant with aj and then did the same thing again . I'm glad I did because I had different outcomes during the second pregnancy. My mood swings were in full effect , throwing up etc everything was so real. I had a scare during 6 weeks because I had woke up to having brown blood on the toilet tissue while going to the bathroom. After rushing to the ER praying this rainbow baby would be ok. I was admitted into a room and they ran tests and an ultrasound and that was when me and my husband life turned upside down. the ultrasound tech asked me if I wanted to see my babies and I couldn't believe what she had just said. I couldn't register that in my mind. I repeated "BABIES"!? And then they were sitting next to each other. I cried and thanked GOD for them and asked their big brother in heaven to watch over them during these upcoming months. I called my mom and grandmother to give them the update of how I was doing and they were soooooo happy as our prayers were answered. After that I had no complications with the twins. I was so happy with that but at the same time so scared and terrified of losing them too. I was taking my progesterone and prenatals and taking short brisk walks for exercise. I was really feeling everything the first trimester and getting so freaked out of getting close to 13 weeks . Since losing Aj that time around I was a nervous wreck. I then became so relieved because my first time of making it to 14 weeks! I was so happy and sooooooo blessed. At 14 weeks and one day I had an appointment with another gyn doctor and he didn't do an exam on me but asked me how was I feeling etc. I was fine no complications at all I was feeling great! He then said well if all is well then I would come back in a month. I wish then I was able to tell something was going to go wrong. Maybe I would have still have my babies. Days after I went to lunch with the husband I didn't eat much because I feeling weird. But I shrugged it off .  Once I got home and he left to go to work. I was home with my grandmother . I started to have waves of discomfort. Like i would get cramps like then it would go away . It would come back again then go away. I didn't know then I was soon going into labor. After a few minutes it got worse and told my grandmother and called my husband to come home ASAP. When he got home I told him something wasn't right and I phoned the hospital and spoke to my nurse . After telling her my symptoms of having brown blood mixed with bright blood and having pains she said to come into the ER ROOM. We then became stuck in traffic and the ride turned into a horror story. I was in labor in traffic and my water breaking . I was crying so hard and telling him our babies are gone . I told him this is all my fault and couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't believe I'm losing all of my babies. Baby A passed away first as he was already sitting in my cervix waiting to be born. I then named him Brayden Carter Cook he was born March 8, 2017 at 5:36 pm. I didn't get to see him right away because they wanted to make sure baby B was ok. The ultrasound showed baby B still moving and kicking. I was pleading with them to pleaseeeeee save him as I could still have one of my them. Hours after I was then moved from the ER and admitted to the hospital part as I was then given more pain medication and epidural to help my physical pain. As my heart broke down more and more a feeling came over me as I felt I was about to give birth to Brayden twin brother. After the last of the contractions at 7:53 pm I gave birth to BABY B . I named him Brenden Alexander Cook. I then had so much stress over me as I was losing blood , my blood pressure high and childless. I couldn't believe this was happening to me again. Losing the twins and their big brother. I became useless , depressed to the point I could no longer want to live. As I became another mother to now 3 angel babies. I am bleeding as I'm writing this and feel like I have no life in me left. Please god help me. Take this pain away .

be married for 3 years on September 20th. We are high school sweethearts and year later decided to start our family. We first started trying months after getting married with no luck. After 2 years going by with no success still we decided to go see a fertility doctor. After the doctor explained my diagnosis I was given medication to start my period because I wasn't ovulating on my own. I was then told having an IUI would give me our best chances of having a baby. I agreed and May 2016 I got my first positive pregnancy test. I couldn't wait to tell my husband and he was so happy to know he was going to be a daddy. Everything was fine during this first 10 weeks. Then one hot day in July I was outside and my hands were so big and swollen I didn't even recognize my hands. I thought maybe I was on my feet too much and the hot weather must have made them swollen. Last thing on my mind was that being a red flag. I was then 10 weeks and a few days. After that I didn't have any more problems. 13 weeks and 5 days (August 8, 2016)  was the most depressing , devastating day of my life. Around 5 am that morning I woke up with pressure in my lower pelvic area . I was thinking my bladder must be full so I went to the bathroom. Before I could even make it to the door my water broke and right after I had small bleeding. I began to panic like crazy because I didn't know what was happening. I was praying and shouting " please God don't take my baby". My husband and another relative heard me scream and I had called 911. I had rushed to the nearest hospital and by then I was sitting in a pool of my own blood in pain mentally and physically. They then had a ultrasound tech take a look at the baby. At that time the baby was there but no amniotic sac. I still had little hope left my baby could be saved. But soon after the little hope I did have left was gone. My precious aj passed away my then first son. He was named after his father Alexander. I couldn't take the pain the disappointment of losing our first child. All I could say was WHY!! Asking God why did you allow this to happen to me. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE THIS!. As today I still don't know why. He was so tiny but had all of his 10 fingers and toes. And the resemblance of me and his daddy was there. All I could do was cry out as my happiness taken away from me so soon. After losing him I developed panic/ anxiety attacks veryyyyy bad. So bad to the point every night I was in the ER room. For having trouble breathing, shaking, having cold sweats, feeling very hot like etc. I was living in a nightmare. My husband worked at that same hospital at the time I would enter into the ER room every night. The boss in the department didn't understand how bad my husband was grieving and didn't care . He literally fired him and we had no money. I was hoping this was just a dream and this wasn't happening to me.

After Aj I grieved so much but I knew to help fulfill the void I had , I wanted to try again.  After discussing that with my husband he agreed that we try again. We didn't try on our own this time so instead we went back to the same fertility doctor. After seeing her she helped me have hope of trying again and said that maybe it was just a fluke or something and wouldn't see us trying again as dangerous. So December 2016 I had another IUI and 2 weeks later became pregnant with twins! I recorded the days of how I was feeling the first time I became pregnant with aj and then did the same thing again . I'm glad I did because I had different outcomes during the second pregnancy. My mood swings were in full effect , throwing up etc everything was so real. I had a scare during 6 weeks because I had woke up to having brown blood on the toilet tissue while going to the bathroom. After rushing to the ER praying this rainbow baby would be ok. I was admitted into a room and they ran tests and an ultrasound and that was when me and my husband life turned upside down. the ultrasound tech asked me if I wanted to see my babies and I couldn't believe what she had just said. I couldn't register that in my mind. I repeated "BABIES"!? And then they were sitting next to each other. I cried and thanked GOD for them and asked their big brother in heaven to watch over them during these upcoming months. I called my mom and grandmother to give them the update of how I was doing and they were soooooo happy as our prayers were answered. After that I had no complications with the twins. I was so happy with that but at the same time so scared and terrified of losing them too. I was taking my progesterone and prenatals and taking short brisk walks for exercise. I was really feeling everything the first trimester and getting so freaked out of getting close to 13 weeks . Since losing Aj that time around I was a nervous wreck. I then became so relieved because my first time of making it to 14 weeks! I was so happy and sooooooo blessed. At 14 weeks and one day I had an appointment with another gyn doctor and he didn't do an exam on me but asked me how was I feeling etc. I was fine no complications at all I was feeling great! He then said well if all is well then I would come back in a month. I wish then I was able to tell something was going to go wrong. Maybe I would have still have my babies. Days after I went to lunch with the husband I didn't eat much because I feeling weird. But I shrugged it off .  Once I got home and he left to go to work. I was home with my grandmother . I started to have waves of discomfort. Like i would get cramps like then it would go away . It would come back again then go away. I didn't know then I was soon going into labor. After a few minutes it got worse and told my grandmother and called my husband to come home ASAP. When he got home I told him something wasn't right and I phoned the hospital and spoke to my nurse . After telling her my symptoms of having brown blood mixed with bright blood and having pains she said to come into the ER ROOM. We then became stuck in traffic and the ride turned into a horror story. I was in labor in traffic and my water breaking . I was crying so hard and telling him our babies are gone . I told him this is all my fault and couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't believe I'm losing all of my babies. Baby A passed away first as he was already sitting in my cervix waiting to be born. I then named him Brayden Carter he was born March 8, 2017 at 5:36 pm. I didn't get to see him right away because they wanted to make sure baby B was ok. The ultrasound showed baby B still moving and kicking. I was pleading with them to pleaseeeeee save him as I could still have one of my them. Hours after I was then moved from the ER and admitted to the hospital part as I was then given more pain medication and epidural to help my physical pain. As my heart broke down more and more a feeling came over me as I felt I was about to give birth to Brayden twin brother. After the last of the contractions at 7:53 pm I gave birth to BABY B . I named him Brenden Alexander . I then had so much stress over me as I was losing blood , my blood pressure high and childless. I couldn't believe this was happening to me again. Losing the twins and their big brother. I became useless , depressed to the point I could no longer want to live. As I became another mother to now 3 angel babies.

4 Replies

  • Welcome to share. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone. August 18th will be 11 years since I lost our daughter followed by a loss at 6 weeks a few years later. I wish I could give you a hug!
    We are always here when you need us.
    Samantha
  • I am so sorry for your loss. My son died 5 years ago and those first few weeks were the hardest. I couldn't function...I was living my life a minute at a time. I found talking to a grief counselor to really help me. Many hugs to you. Nicki
  • Hello and Welcome
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your babies. I lost my daughter 10 years ago to Trisomy 18. I understand what its like for life to feel pointless, to go through the motions and think is it not worth it. If these feelings persist please reach out for help through a counselor or grief specialist. You would be amazed how much it can help. So sorry your post was up for awhile before we could get back to you. Our site has been a bit moody lately. Please know we are here for you. Many of us are loss survivors and continue on every day missing and loving our babies.
    Love and Hugs
    Brandi
  • Hello, and welcome to Share. And I am so sorry that I did not see this post sooner. My heart goes out to you and your husband as you walk this unimaginable path.

    I, too, had to go through fertility treatments to have children. Via IUI, I conceived twin boys, but at 22w5d on March 7, 2007, they were born prematurely and did not survive. My world as I knew it had ended. Although I returned to the same fertility doctor, I was not successful, and ended up having to do IVF to conceive my thankfully, full-term rainbow, who is now 8.

    I understand full well the pain that you feel, the depression and the not wanting to go on. That pain has such a hold on us when we lose a child that we just don't see the point anymore. But I want to encourage you -- if you haven't already -- to find someone that you can talk to. Ask your OB/GYN if there is a female psychologist in the area or some other grief support that you can reach out to. I was in counseling for 2+ years because I needed to learn how to live in the new normal that was thrust upon me. You will be able to live again -- I promise.

    Please check in and let us know how you are doing. Again, I am so sorry for not seeing this post earlier.

    hugs and love.

    erin
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