My baby died in utero at 18 weeks, threw me into Depression and suicidal thoughts

I found out I was pregnant with our first son after 3 years of trying in early March. We have 2 daughters already. My due date was November 13, 2017. A day I'll never get to have. At 7 weeks I started having very light spotting. I went to the ER, Diagnosed with subchorionic hemorrhage. My obgyn reassured me that lots of women have this and go on to have perfectly healthy babies. She told me not to worry too much about and put me on pelvic rest with a 10 pound lifting restriction. I kept spotting off and on from 7 weeks  to 13 weeks when I finally quit spotting.  I was finally in my 2nd trimester and feeling so much better. In my 18th week I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The bleeding returned a little more heavy than before. I called my obgyn  they got me in the next day for an ultrasound that's when I heard the 4 words that no mother ever wants to hear "there is no heartbeat." I was admitted to the hospital and induced that same day to give birth to my dead son. I labored 48 hours. I had the urge to go pee, the nurse insisted I use the bed pan since I had been taking pain meds and was unsteady. That's when it happened, no pushing or anything. My baby was born in a bed pan. It was heartbreaking to know I gave birth to my precious angel in a bed pan.  He resembled my youngest daughter so much. He was tiny, he was perfect. We named him Lucas Owen. A few days later we gave him a funeral. I kept hurting and bleeding a week after his birth I had to have a d&c for retained placenta. A few days later I couldn't take the grief anymore. I became suicidal and checked myself in to a behavioral health hospital. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I lost my child. I'm still having nightmares and flashbacks daily. I don't sleep well at night, I'm just so broken. I'm currently thinking of checking back in to the facility. I have no quality of life anymore. I'm just existing.

4 Replies

  • In reply to Josie12907:

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious angel. This is a journey no parent should ever have to travel. And i am deeply sorry that your baby's birth story was so traumatic.

    I also applaud you for getting help because it's not easy to make that decision. When I lost my sons 10 years ago, I knew after a while that I had to talk to someone. I was in counseling for two-plus years.

    I am sending you love and strength as you walk this path.

  • Hi welcome to share. I am so sorry for your loss and wish I could give you a hug in person. Those first few days, weeks, the first year is the hardest. I was taking everything minute by minute it was the only way I could get through my days. Do what you have to do help yourself if the place you went to helped then go back. I went to therapy and it helped me so much having a place where I could just talk and share my emotions. This site also helped knowing that I had place to share and there were other women who "got it" who understood what it was like. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Many hugs. Nicki
  • Hello, so sorry to hear about Lucas Owen, my prayers go out to you for healing. A few weeks ago, I also heard those devastating 4 words and my world fell apart. I am still recovering, but no one that has never gone through a miscarriage will never understand the pain. Please know that we are not alone. Time will heal our broken hearts, but we will never forget.
  • Hello and Welcome to Share-
    I am so very very sorry for the loss of your precious Lucas. I am sorry that you find yourself here telling this story and sorry that it has turned your world upside down. I lost my first daughter Josie to Trisomy 18 a little over 10 years ago. I still miss her and I still have hard days. I applaud you for getting help. It was something I never did and I still regret. I hope that reading and Sharing here gives you some small comfort. I have found that reading survivor stories and blogging helped me process a lot of feelings. You are not alone in your grief.
    Wishing you love, strength and peace.