I'm new here and having a very hard time right now. Two weeks ago at 28 weeks 4 days, I went to the doctor and found out that my son Jayden no longer had a heartbeat. I was induced and delivered over the next few days, was told that it was likely from a placental abruption from sudden onset pre-eclampsia. My blood pressures became uncontrolled when I got to the hospital, and I was actually re-admitted after the first discharge because my lungs filled up with fluid and I couldn't breath because my body could no longer handle those high pressures.
Let me start two weeks sooner. I had had a perfect pregnancy, only gained 2.5lbs the first 26 weeks (I'm obese so I was trying to keep it low). Every single test had come back perfect and my baby was measured at the 50th percentile for weight at a 24 week anatomy scan. Then at 26 weeks, we were packing to move (and so I was switching OBs). I noticed I had a lot more swelling that week, and after unpacking the scale I found out that I had gained 9.5lbs that week! I immediately called the new OB office to find out if I could move up my first appointment, which wasn't for 2.5 more weeks. They fit me in for that week, but at the appointment my BP was fine, the baby's heart sounded fine, and they weren't concerned. They said sometimes the weight comes on suddenly and to keep my eye on it, and agreed to have me do the 24 hour urine protein test. The next week while I was waiting for the results, I felt him move much less on Thursday. I had a fetal doppler at home so I listened to his little heart, which made me feel much better hearing it so regular and strong, so I went about my weekend plans (I was in a wedding that weekend). Then Sunday I felt absolutely terrible, swollen wtih a headache and intermittent abdominal pain. At night I got dizzy and started vomiting (not out of the ordinary during my pregnancy), so I went to bed early. Monday morning I couldn't find a heartbeat. My husband took me to the doctor, where they said he was probably just in a funny position, but they couldn't find it either, so they did an ultrasound. That's where the tech told me "I'm so sorry, but he's gone". I haven't felt whole for a second since that moment. When I had an exam in the hospital they saw a lot of blood and told me that I likely had a placental abruption, but I'm still waiting on the pathology from the placenta to be sure.
It took 36 hours after that for me to dilate enough on the induction meds to deliver him. He was breech and I felt so terrible like I was hurting him so badly trying to get his head out. Afterwards we got to hold him, we had a priest come in and bless/baptize him, and the only reason I was ever able to stop holding him was because he started to look terrible with skin slippage and discoloration. Since I was so sick and in the hospital so long, we had to keep delaying the services for him, and all I could think about was him laying there alone. I've just felt like the worst mother in the world, that I couldn't protect him even though I KNEW something was wrong. Deciding on burial vs creamation felt all wrong, both choices seemed so wrong, I don't want him alone in the ground and I don't want him burned up like garbage. I can't get used to the fact that we're never going to be taking him home, reading to him, hearing his first word, getting mad at unfinished homework, helping him decide on a college, any of it. My friends are all either currently pregnant or have newborns, I feel like I can't see or talk to anyone. My husband has been nothing but supportive and amazing, but even with him I feel like I can't explain how sad, hurt, and mad I really am because I don't want him to worry. I know he only wants to try one more time because he doesn't want to keep going through this, but I feel so much pressure like if I fail again I will never have my baby and I don't know if I can handle that either. Today is my first day back at work and I'm sitting here at my desk crying instead of working on charts. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be okay again. Everyone tells me I will, but I can't imagine it yet. At this point I can breath, my lungs are back to normal, my blood pressures are fairly well controlled (on a lot of medication), but my head and heart don't feel like they can be repaired. Sometimes I get cramps or spasms and it feels like I still feel him moving and I burst into tears.