Lost in the loss

I am currently overwhelmed with grief as I just lost another baby after trying for four years. My first left us on Thanksgiving at five weeks. My second on Christmas was a chemical pregnancy. They called us Christmas Eve to say the labs showed me as early pregnant. I was thrilled and then began to bleed on Christmas morning. Four months ago I helped my grandmother, who is the sweetest and most dear friend to me, pass gently. It was a sad time but I was certain when we fell pregnant next it would be for good. One month after her passing I was pregnant. My husband and I were ecstatic and had began to plan our life with such joy and excitement. This past Monday I went in for a routine ultrasound. It was the first time we have seen our baby with fingers and toes and a nose. It was so beautiful! But they said our baby had no heartbeat. I am scheduled for a D&C in two days and I am so overwhelmed with emotion I feel as though I will never be able to survive this. I was certain this was it! My body is still acting pregnant. I still feel my baby with me. We had a second opinion and the baby has definitely passed but it is all so confusing. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Everything that family writes, especially my husbands family, makes me so angry. I have a level of anger and hatred that I have not felt before and it scares me. I should see a counselor and plan to after the procedure but I want to move away. I live in a small town and two of my friends are expecting at the same time I was due. I cannot bear to go on living with the reminder here. I know it is extreme but I just want to push everyone away and run away. I told my husband I dont want to travel to be with his family for Christmas and all of our nieces and my sister in law who is trying to conceive and my in-laws who make me feel like "its just a miscarriage and we will get pregnant soon" I just can't handle it. I dont know how to get through this. I am not a threat to myself, I promise, but I just cant shake this feeling that when I get the surgery to remove our baby I dont want to wake up because I cannot imagine life without this child. It helps me to remember I survived this before and so many amazing women like you reading this have survived this or worse. I need to be strong and usually I am very strong but right now, today, I have never felt weaker or more scarred and sad about my life. I don't know how to pick myself up from here. I have truly never felt so heavy with loss. Any words of wisdom would be welcome. Thank you for reading. <3  

1 Reply

  • I am so sorry for your losses. I think all of the feelings you are describing are very normal feelings to have when you lose the baby that you hoped and dreamed for. Its okay to take some time away from others to grieve for your little one in your own time and space. Sometimes other people can't understand that our dreams for our babies begin as soon as we see a positive result.
    I hope that speaking with a counselor gives you some comfort. I found that sharing my feelings and knowing that I was not alone was so important for my grieving process. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
    Hugs,
    Marissa
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