Lost in the loss

I am currently overwhelmed with grief as I just lost another baby after trying for four years. My first left us on Thanksgiving at five weeks. My second on Christmas was a chemical pregnancy. They called us Christmas Eve to say the labs showed me as early pregnant. I was thrilled and then began to bleed on Christmas morning. Four months ago I helped my grandmother, who is the sweetest and most dear friend to me, pass gently. It was a sad time but I was certain when we fell pregnant next it would be for good. One month after her passing I was pregnant. My husband and I were ecstatic and had began to plan our life with such joy and excitement. This past Monday I went in for a routine ultrasound. It was the first time we have seen our baby with fingers and toes and a nose. It was so beautiful! But they said our baby had no heartbeat. I am scheduled for a D&C in two days and I am so overwhelmed with emotion I feel as though I will never be able to survive this. I was certain this was it! My body is still acting pregnant. I still feel my baby with me. We had a second opinion and the baby has definitely passed but it is all so confusing. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Everything that family writes, especially my husbands family, makes me so angry. I have a level of anger and hatred that I have not felt before and it scares me. I should see a counselor and plan to after the procedure but I want to move away. I live in a small town and two of my friends are expecting at the same time I was due. I cannot bear to go on living with the reminder here. I know it is extreme but I just want to push everyone away and run away. I told my husband I dont want to travel to be with his family for Christmas and all of our nieces and my sister in law who is trying to conceive and my in-laws who make me feel like "its just a miscarriage and we will get pregnant soon" I just can't handle it. I dont know how to get through this. I am not a threat to myself, I promise, but I just cant shake this feeling that when I get the surgery to remove our baby I dont want to wake up because I cannot imagine life without this child. It helps me to remember I survived this before and so many amazing women like you reading this have survived this or worse. I need to be strong and usually I am very strong but right now, today, I have never felt weaker or more scarred and sad about my life. I don't know how to pick myself up from here. I have truly never felt so heavy with loss. Any words of wisdom would be welcome. Thank you for reading. <3  

7 Replies

  • just sending many hugs. The loss of a baby is so hard and creates so many emotions. Between the sadness and the anger you just feel like your in a tailspin spinning wildly out of control. When my son died I was taking things one hour at a time. It's all I could manage slowly I was able to work up to one day at a time and then move up from there. I found counseling to really help me it gave me a safe place to go and really share what I was feeling and not be judged. I actually went with my husband which also helped because we could see how each other was coping and soon learned that we were grieving very differently. The first year we did what worked for us and if family/friends didn't like it or understand that was on them. We kept Christmas very simple and even looked at taking a Disney cruise. ( too expensive) Thanksgiving we went and ate Chinese food and took our oldest son to a movie. Do what works for you. It's very hard especially that first year being around people who are pregnant or have infants. We are here when you need to share more. Nicki
  • In reply to Hunter and Randi's Mom:

    Thank you for your comment and for keeping me in your thoughts. It really means so much. It helps to know there are other amazing and strong women who have endured loss and grown to become even more incredible humans on Earth. Thank you for encouraging me. My love to all of us who know this pain and who choose to rise above and live courageously in love despite our grief.
  • In reply to lvazquez:

    Thank you for your comment and for sharing your thoughts and comfort. It really means a lot to me. I begin working with a counselor in another two weeks. I'm still mending from the D&C now but know it will be helpful. I appreciate the insight to not make any big decisions right away. Thank you again for your love and support.
  • In reply to Josie12907:

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I meant to write sooner but I wanted to tell you they meant a lot and arrived just when I needed them. Xo
  • Hello and Welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself here and I am truly sorry for the loss of your baby. I lost my first baby girl to Trisomy 18, a little over 10 years ago; she lived for 9 days. Instead of wanting to flee, I actually felt stuck. I lived in this odd place between moving on and changing things that made me unhappy to wanting to stay exactly as it was before and during her life. I felt like changing anything erased her. I know now that nothing will ever change her short life or how much I loved her and still do. I agree with avoiding family that is not supportive and can be insensitive of your feelings. Until they experience it, they have no idea what it does to your heart and soul. You're allowed to be sad, and angry with the world. Be kind to yourself and do what makes your heart feel better, focus on your own healing. Making a long term and significant life decision might be a little hasty right now, if its something that has never even been considered before. Please know you are not alone and we are here for you.
    Love and Hugs
    Brandi
  • Welcome to Share. I am sorry for your losses and my heart goes out to you. I can certainly identify with some of these feelings. The wanting to run away and move outta there is one felt by many living through similar circumstances. The stages of grief guide will tell you that these feelings are all very normal. It also reveals that no major life decisions like moving away should be made within the first 6-12 months following traumatic event. I am not a counselor, just someone also searching for answers, a path, light, hope, that tomorrow will be a bit more tolerable and less painful. The family part is tough. It seems they either rally around, distance themselves, or are supportive to a certain degree/or until other life changing (positive or negative) event with someone else in the family. When that happens, it is as if one should "be over" the loss(es) and moving on as they have done. Yeah, that is not going to happen. Loss is always with us and it does not matter how much time has passed. Speaking with a counselor can be a wonderful thing. It is nice to just have someone listen. S/he will want you to make new goals, so that you do not stay in the land of sadness. Give yourself all the time you need for you. This is not something that is hurried. The holidays are coming, yes, but you do what works for you and hubby this year.

    Wishing you more strength,

    Lindsay
  • I am so sorry for your losses. I think all of the feelings you are describing are very normal feelings to have when you lose the baby that you hoped and dreamed for. Its okay to take some time away from others to grieve for your little one in your own time and space. Sometimes other people can't understand that our dreams for our babies begin as soon as we see a positive result.
    I hope that speaking with a counselor gives you some comfort. I found that sharing my feelings and knowing that I was not alone was so important for my grieving process. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
    Hugs,
    Marissa
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