double whammy!

here I am 2 years from the day I lost my angel Caleb typing my story on another site and the pain feels so fresh. I wonder if anybody else knows what I'm feeling? After Caleb first passed people were supportive for some time and then people went back to living their lives. There are days when I could have gone with Caleb. Days that are so dark with regret and should have could have and would haves. When I lost my son doctors had to remove my uterus in order to save my life so I lost my ability to have kids. Yes its true I can adopt but that doesn't replace the desire in my heart to have children. My arms are empty today. My womb is gone. still I keep going. I have hope. The hope of seeing Caleb again. I write stories of what I imagine our lives would be and plan to publish them. I write letters to him and I think of how he met the Savior. I look forward to that day. In the mean time I'll do everything in my power to keep His memory alive and share the Hope that keeps me breathing and living life to the fullest.

3 Replies

  • So very sorry for the loss of your sweet boy Caleb. I lost my daughter 10 years ago and I will never forget that I had all of this support at the beginning and then it seemed to disappear. No one could understand my pain and it made them uncomfortable. It was better to just assume I was "over it" or "moving on." It is so much easier said. One can never get over the loss of a baby, we just find a way to carry it with us forever, without it debilitating us.
    Love and Hugs to you as you cherish and remember Caleb.
  • The way we can feel and remember every thing that happened when our babies died. It's been 5 years for me and it seems like yesterday to me. There are some days were it will just hit me out of the blue and my arms will feel so empty and ache. Those anniversary dates it's like a film reel starts playing in my mind me being able to remember every tiny detail. I too live my life to the fullest for my littlest angel. hugs. Nicki
  • I know how hard it is especially on an Angel-versy to deal with the loss of your son. The fresh and raw feeling still comes back sometimes even though I am almost 16 years out. Small things can still make me sob at the strangest of times. Grief is a life long process. You grieve for Caleb and you grieve for the loss of your womb.
    Caleb is dancing with Jesus. Your sweet boy would want to see his mommy happy.
    Don't give up on the idea of adoption, give the Savior a chance to give you a miracle in a different way. God kept you here with a strong desire to be a mother. Caring for a child of your heart rather than your body would be a wonder way to keep Caleb's memory alive. A sibling to carry his story through life.
    I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a great big hug. Keep living life to the fullest.