CJ....some days I miss you more than others.

Oh how I miss you my little CJ. Some days all I do is remember your tiny face and tears start falling. It's been close to 7 months since I held you in my arms for the first and last time.  I wish I had held you longer.  You were perfect!

February 26, 2017 was a traumatic date that will follow me until I leave this earth. You were born at just 22 weeks but unlike your brothers and sister, I didn't get to take you home. Instead I was given a memory box to take with me.  Everything was going well until that morning when my whole world fell apart. It's unreal to me still but as time goes by the pain has lessen.  I often find myself thinking, "had I not gone to the gym that much, had I just walked away every time your dad and I argued, had I taken my time getting to work instead of rushing to be on time knowing you were growing in my belly"......then maybe you would be here in my arms and not just in my thoughts.  My body failed you little guy and it fills me with guilt and extreme sadness.  And yes, I'm still working on my faith. Why did God take you from me? Why does he allow this to happen to anyone? Did I deserve it? I wish all this was just a bad dream and when I wake up everything would be back to happiness and anticipation of meeting you.

It's upsetting to me that I was once ignorant to all this and now, everyday is a struggle. I'm an angel mom! Saddens me yet brings me comfort knowing I'm not alone. My husband seems to have moved on quickly and doesn't really know how to put his feelings into words which doesn't help me so I'm glad to be able to share my thoughts and feelings here. 

Hope and strength to us grieving moms.....

7 Replies

  • My heart hurts for you. I am also still in the grieving process as well and I hope you keep posting and writing. I found it helpful to keep posting and writing on Share. The feedback helps a lot. Please know you are not alone. We are here with you. It definitely is a day by day, second by second process. There's no right way to cope. When the urge to cry comes along, let it out sister. Sending you lots of love, hope, and hugs. -Kai
  • I am sorry for your loss. I too am still working on my faith it's just so hard to understand why this would happen. My son died when he was 14 days old. One of the things I learned in this journey is that men and women grieve very differently. My husband just retreated into himself and stopped socializing for months. It was work and home for him. He showed his grief through anger at things and by indulging our oldest child with lots of toys. I found going to counseling together really helped us to see how each other was grieving so we could find ways to best support each other. I too thought my husband had moved on very quickly and was over it but he was just keeping it all to himself. Being the one to keep the family together and functioning while I got through my deep dark depression. I found this site to be so helpful for me to find other people who knows what is it like to go through this journey. Many hugs to you and we are here for you. Nicki
  • Hi and welcome to Share. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your emotions with such honesty. All of your emotions are completely normal and understandable under such tragic circumstances. But please know this: You did nothing wrong. It was more than a year after my daughter's premature birth that I realized how much I had been blaming myself and my body and every flaw I might've had as a mother for everything she suffered, and how much I needed someone to tell me that straight out. Who knows why such terrible things happen -- but you are not to blame. You didn't fail your precious CJ. You're a wonderful mom and my heart goes out to you. We'll all be thinking of you and CJ and sending love and hugs.
  • Hi. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious CJ. I can't begin to imagine what this journey has been like for you. I'm grateful that you have found Share Your Story and feel safe here. Thank you for sharing CJ with us. Please know that you're not alone. There are many moms who have also lost a child and are navigating this difficult and unfamiliar life as a loss mom. I have found that in blogging here I've found healing from my own personal journey. I encourage you to consider this as a way to help in your healing.

    Sending peace for your heart.
  • Hello- I am so glad that you found us, yet so very sorry that you found yourself needing us. I lost my daughter Josie to Trisomy 18 at 9 days old. I too was certain I could have done something to prevent losing her. Its simply impossible to make sense of. I blog at Angelversary and I find it a great way to express myself and know that someone reading is going to get it. Wishing you peace and strength.
    Love and Hugs
  • In reply to lvazquez:

    Thank you Lindsay for your kind words and warm welcome. A coworker was pregnant around the same time and it burned like acid to see her everyday. It's just so unfair. Finding out that she had a successful pregnancy numbed me even more. I've never felt so much envy in my life. We were close and now, I don't even want to hear about her. She's due to come back from maternity leave and I just don't know how I'm going to get through it. Many tell me I should be happy for her, of course they are clueless to the multiple emotions we are left with. I turn away from newborns and expecting mothers...no I do not need therapy, I'm just protecting myself by avoiding heartache. I've been in contact with two ladies who have shared their losses with me; one had a stillborn and the other multiple losses due to her intolerance to infections. Breaks my heart to hear their stories and to know that many more out there have and are going through more painful experiences.
  • Welcome to Share. I am so very sorry to read about the loss of your baby boy CJ. I am an angel mom too and share many of those same thoughts. Fathers and mothers sometimes tend to grieve in different ways. They try, but feel so helpless. We are the ones who carried those precious beings for as long as we could. I did not have anyone in my close circle who had experienced infant loss. I found Share, a safe place to put all of these feelings, and connect with others living similar journeys. I hope that it can do the same for you.

    Hope and strength,