Oh how I miss you my little CJ. Some days all I do is remember your tiny face and tears start falling. It's been close to 7 months since I held you in my arms for the first and last time. I wish I had held you longer. You were perfect!
February 26, 2017 was a traumatic date that will follow me until I leave this earth. You were born at just 22 weeks but unlike your brothers and sister, I didn't get to take you home. Instead I was given a memory box to take with me. Everything was going well until that morning when my whole world fell apart. It's unreal to me still but as time goes by the pain has lessen. I often find myself thinking, "had I not gone to the gym that much, had I just walked away every time your dad and I argued, had I taken my time getting to work instead of rushing to be on time knowing you were growing in my belly"......then maybe you would be here in my arms and not just in my thoughts. My body failed you little guy and it fills me with guilt and extreme sadness. And yes, I'm still working on my faith. Why did God take you from me? Why does he allow this to happen to anyone? Did I deserve it? I wish all this was just a bad dream and when I wake up everything would be back to happiness and anticipation of meeting you.
It's upsetting to me that I was once ignorant to all this and now, everyday is a struggle. I'm an angel mom! Saddens me yet brings me comfort knowing I'm not alone. My husband seems to have moved on quickly and doesn't really know how to put his feelings into words which doesn't help me so I'm glad to be able to share my thoughts and feelings here.
Hope and strength to us grieving moms.....