The Loneliness of Grief

Since there is no manual on how to grieve, there are so many ways and paths to go... it’s an individual journey. Even between spouses. It’s been a constant back and forth for us trying to  hold each other together. When I’m having a rough day, my husband has been there comforting me. When he’s having a rough day, I do the same for him. Even though we have each other, there is still the feeling of loneliness. We are grieving differently. I don’t know what it’s like as a father to have lost our 3 daughters and he doesn’t know what it’s like as a mother to have lost our daughters. Even when we meet other parents who have lost children, some things are similar but we understand that no one grieves exactly the same. All of our stories of loss are unique to our individual experiences. It may sound cliche, but sometimes even when I’m around a lot of people, I feel so alone. I wanted my daughters before they were born, I want them here now, and I’ll always think of what my like would be like if they were here. Grief can take you to dark places, especially in your own mind. It’s been about 1 1/2 yrs since losing my twins and 6 months since losing my third daughter and the pain is still there.

9 Replies

  • Everything you say is so true. My husband and I grieved so differently and sometimes it seemed we mourned different things about the loss of our child. That feeling of loneliness like no one gets it even when you have a great support system. That is why I was so thankful to find this site. I felt like I had found others who "got it" and didn't feel so alone anymore. I am sorry for your losses and sending a hug. Nicki
  • In reply to deannafei:

    Thank you Deanna. Share and sometimes my therapist are the only places I'm comfortable enough to let it out. There are so many things that come up that I want feedback for, especially the feeling of loneliness. Holding it together gets exhausting sometimes. I journal A LOT when I need to get things out right away but a journal doesn't respond or give feedback... I'm appreciative of everyone who participates on Share because it has helped me a whole lot. :) Hugs. Kai.
  • In reply to lvazquez:

    Thank you Lindsay. I am sorry about your loss as well. Your husband sounds very similar to my husband. Sometimes I can feel his hurt but he tries to stuff it in and I always worry about the day that it comes spewing out. When he is having really rough days, he'll let his guard down a little and share with me. I feel for him because he does not share with anyone else except me. I think he spoke to his brother about his feelings once but only a little. I don't want to keep poking at him to talk about it or see a therapist because I want to be respectful of his wishes; so I just try to remind him that I love him and that I'm always here if he needs me. I'm still learning about my triggers. Sometimes when I don't expect it, I get triggered by something and my emotions go a little haywire so I have to leave to "get it together." Thank you for sharing with me. Hugs. Kai.
  • In reply to Josie12907:

    That is so true about the "old me" concept. I feel exactly the same. In a way it's another type of loss for us. We will forever be changed. I think people notice that I'm different but I also think they're waiting for me to "come around" and be how I was before... but honestly, I don't know if that'll ever happen. It's nice to be able communicate with others who "get it" because there are days when I need that, which is why I am very thankful for this site.
  • In reply to Whosures:

    Thank you :)
  • I'm so sorry for the loss of your three precious girls. I can only imagine the enormity of such grief. Thank you for being part of our community and sharing your thoughts. I think your honesty about your struggle says so much about your own strength as well as that of your marriage. The fact that you and your husband grieve differently might be inevitable, but the way you support each other is truly a precious gift.
    Sending hugs,
  • I am so sorry to read about the loss of your three baby girls. I can relate to a lot of what you describe about spouses grieving differently. In the earliest of days, we were both in shock. I had been on bedrest at 21 weeks. After our loss at 30 weeks, I guess it was deemed ongoing medical leave/maternity leave by my employer. He was allotted three bereavement days by the same employer, but ended up taking a full week to care for me and our living kiddos. I wanted to talk more than he did. He was on autopilot just trying to keep it all together because someone had to stay present. He had to go back to work and sort of kept his grief to himself while I was pouring out my emotions. Even in the months that followed, we were just trying to keep to a routine. It was hard because we were both expecting a totally different reality. Some days, it felt like we were still waiting for a baby to show up. If only they could be brought by storks. I don't know if it was a year or two later, but one day it just hit my husband really hard. It sort of shocked me because I was at a seemingly "better" place, but he was really feeling the enormity of it all and just how hurt and angry he really was about everything. So yeah, dealing with grief varies with each person for sure. I think the pain does not ever go away, but somehow one finds a way to deal. One learns their triggers, places to avoid, exit strategies, etc. I've been in that same room. Rooms with a lot of people make me anxious. I still find it hard to commit to outings and make plans. When I do, I automatically think of excuses to cancel if I need to. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I planned for something so wonderful once and it did not work out. So, I'm still finding it difficult to make future plans when the future seems more unknown to me now than it ever did.

    I know it's difficult. Know that you're not alone, ever. Share is always a perfect place to put these feelings.


  • You are so very right about the loneliness aspect. Shortly after I had lost Josie, I went to a comedy/musical show with friends. I preferred to hide in my room but I finally gave in. What they wanted was the "old me" that they knew and loved. Unfortunately, that person didn't exist anymore. I sometimes think that is most of the loneliness, and loss that we feel, not just for the babies but for who we used to be. Its good that you and your husband recognize that grief is different for each of you and are able to support each other. Remember, that here at Share, you aren't alone in all of your feelings, always someone and usually many someones who just "get it."
    Love and Hugs
  • I'm glad you have a good support system but am so sorry for your losses. Many hugs.