The pain is still there

Hi I'm nikki this is my first time posting my first son I lost at 19 weeks and it was on June 27th of 2016 it is now coming up on two years I also have a now 1 year old son who was born at 24 weeks he is doing amazing and made it so much farther then the doctors predicted but anyway my first son was really hard on me and I still have dreams of that night and everything that happened and on top of it I continue to beat myself up because I never got to actually say goodbye they asked me right after I had him if I'd like to see him and I was so drained and in pain I said no and it kills me everyday I feel like I wasn't there for him I never gave him the proper send off and never got to say goodbye I plan on going to the beach on that day and sending off balloons for him last year I was not able to cause I was with my other son in the nicu but im thinking that we can make that our new tradition but I feel like I will always have this pain and regret of not holding him and not giving him a kiss goodbye just wanted to know if anyone else has had this and if it ever starts to feel less painful thank you

2 Replies

  • Hi Welcome to Share. When everything is happening with our little ones it can quickly become overwhelming and hard to process it all, especially when you had just given birth. It's so easy when we look back on things to pick apart all the ways we could have done it better. Remember you did the best you were able at that time in those circumstances. Maybe one day you can find a way to say goodbye to help you. Maybe visit the hospital were he was born, or a special spot. I am sending you many hugs. Nicki
  • Welcome to Share Nikki. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry to read about the loss of your first baby. While certain questions and decisions need to be made after delivery, I too wish that staff allowed a mother more time (to process) before being asked. I don't know if there's protocol, but it seems unreal that one is being asked questions like that immediately after delivery, surgery, or coming to. One is under stress, enduring traumatic event, possibly on pain/sedation meds, transfusions, etc. Can a patient truly be thinking clearly? I wish staff could just slow down a bit knowing that any decisions made now are crucial and the only ones we ever get to make for our babies who have passed on. I feel like I was asked just minutes after coming to whether or not we wanted an autopsy. I felt it unfair to even be asked that as I hadn't even had a chance to talk to my husband yet. Some say, you do what you know to do in the moment. While I know you wish you could go back, I wanted to say that your plans to celebrate him with a balloon release on the beach sounds heavenly. I am so glad to read that your rainbow baby is doing great and I know he will love hearing all about his big brother as he grows older.

    Thinking of you,