I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 20 weeks three years ago and I can tell you that it does get easier. What you are feeling is normal. And it will take time. As the saying goes, "Times heals all wounds." It's not that you are healed and go back to being the same person you were before - you are a different person and will be forever. People told me that losing a baby would change my life forever. I hated hearing that. I hated losing my daughter and then thinking my life would have this black mark, this grief, to be forever defined by it. But, you know what, in a very weird way, it changed my life forever in a good way. The personal growth - the spiritual growth - that I have had would have never happened had I not had a loss so deep. In a way, this loss changed the course of my life. Here's the good things I learned about myself:
-I am stronger than I ever thought possible
-I can withstand pretty much anything after losing a child (divorce, cancer, etc.)
-I can sympathize with others who experience loss and maybe even help them
-I could use the opportunity to get closer with my husband and build a stronger relationship (sounds like you are doing this!)
Try to find all the good things that you've been able to do since your loss and congratulate yourself for it. Just getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other is a win at this point! Do not blame yourself for anything - all you did was love those babies! Being kind to yourself is a form of self-love. Do not attend another woman's baby shower (I missed two!), do not visit babies or newborns, do not do anything that would make you uncomfortable. For a while, I felt physically assaulted every time I saw a pregnant woman in my office. It literally took my breath away to see this woman. But that's OK. It's how we heal - being kind to ourselves and putting ourselves first.
If it helps, talk to your partner/mom/friends about your babies and if you name them say their names. Don't keep your feelings inside. You are still their mother, no matter what.
Counseling also helped me as I was coming to terms with the loss and trying again to get pregnant again. The same is true for if you get pregnant again - very important to have someone to talk to through the pregnancy as it's anxiety-inducing, but you will get through it and come out on the other side!
And, from a spiritual perspective (of which I never honestly believed much in an afterlife) I choose to believe my daughter is in a good place full of light and love, and one day we will be reunited. This has helped me immensely and it's a great comfort. For now, I have work to you. Those of us left behind still have important work to do. So Momma, make your babies proud.
Hugs and Love,