How to deal with a miscarriage

I recently had a miscarriage of twins, had to have an emergency d&c done because I couldn’t stop bleeding. How do you cope with the loss? I feel like I am pushing everyone away and shutting them out. I can’t get the images of the day out of my head and seeing pregnant women and newborn babies just makes it worse. How to I stop blaming myself?

3 Replies

  • In reply to perpetuelle:

    Perpetuelle,
    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 20 weeks three years ago and I can tell you that it does get easier. What you are feeling is normal. And it will take time. As the saying goes, "Times heals all wounds." It's not that you are healed and go back to being the same person you were before - you are a different person and will be forever. People told me that losing a baby would change my life forever. I hated hearing that. I hated losing my daughter and then thinking my life would have this black mark, this grief, to be forever defined by it. But, you know what, in a very weird way, it changed my life forever in a good way. The personal growth - the spiritual growth - that I have had would have never happened had I not had a loss so deep. In a way, this loss changed the course of my life. Here's the good things I learned about myself:
    -I am stronger than I ever thought possible
    -I can withstand pretty much anything after losing a child (divorce, cancer, etc.)
    -I can sympathize with others who experience loss and maybe even help them
    -I could use the opportunity to get closer with my husband and build a stronger relationship (sounds like you are doing this!)

    Try to find all the good things that you've been able to do since your loss and congratulate yourself for it. Just getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other is a win at this point! Do not blame yourself for anything - all you did was love those babies! Being kind to yourself is a form of self-love. Do not attend another woman's baby shower (I missed two!), do not visit babies or newborns, do not do anything that would make you uncomfortable. For a while, I felt physically assaulted every time I saw a pregnant woman in my office. It literally took my breath away to see this woman. But that's OK. It's how we heal - being kind to ourselves and putting ourselves first.

    If it helps, talk to your partner/mom/friends about your babies and if you name them say their names. Don't keep your feelings inside. You are still their mother, no matter what.

    Counseling also helped me as I was coming to terms with the loss and trying again to get pregnant again. The same is true for if you get pregnant again - very important to have someone to talk to through the pregnancy as it's anxiety-inducing, but you will get through it and come out on the other side!

    And, from a spiritual perspective (of which I never honestly believed much in an afterlife) I choose to believe my daughter is in a good place full of light and love, and one day we will be reunited. This has helped me immensely and it's a great comfort. For now, I have work to you. Those of us left behind still have important work to do. So Momma, make your babies proud.
    Hugs and Love,
    Nicole
  • I'm going through the blaming thing right now. It's been 5 weeks since my pregnancy ended, and I still catch myself searching for something I did that might have caused it, or contributed to it. I search so hard that sometimes the ways I find to blame myself are completely irrational, but I can still entertain the thought. I know I didn't do anything wrong, in fact, I know I did a really good job. But even typing those words is really hard, the self-blame is so strong. One thing I've found that helps sometimes is telling my partner the specific thoughts I'm having, and then telling him, "Now tell me that's not true." He had a hard time at first because he said he couldn't understand how I would even be thinking the things I'm thinking. I had to tell him, "I know it's not rational, but I really need to hear these words from you." When it would give a little relief and he could see that hearing him say it actually helped, it started getting easier for him to know what to say. Maybe even empowering because he feels like he can do something to help. But it was also really hard to even let him in that much. I know what you mean about pushing everyone away. I also can't get the images of the day out of my head. I also keep thinking there must be something wrong with me that it's still this hard. I have to have my partner tell me, "What you're feeling is normal. It's ok to be this sad. It's also ok to be happy." You didn't do anything wrong. Actually, probably the opposite. You were and still are a good mom.
  • Hello and Welcome to Share. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your twins. I think one of the hardest parts of dealing with miscarriage is the unseen and intangible yet catastrophic loss the mother feels. Its something no one else could feel the presence of, so noticing the loss is almost impossible for others. It sounds like your miscarriage was traumatic for you and you're kind of stuck. It's very normal to push people away, as you're very much inside yourself when this happens. My best advice is to be gentle with yourself, and know its okay to grieve the loss of your pregnancy and your babies that should have been. If the feelings of trauma continue it would be wise to seek counseling , maybe a referral through your ob/gyn or family doctor. Of course, we are here for you at share. A lot of us who have experienced loss keep a journal in blogs when we need a supportive audience to vent to. Wishing you so much peace and strength.
    Love and Hugs
    Brandi
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